Backstabbing, Self-Entitlement, Mixed Signals, and Mind Murder ~ Observations of Human Behavior

I've always been an observer of human behavior. Nothing is more entertaining, or more frightening. People have never ceased to amaze me, endear themselves to me, or shock me. But lately, I have been observing some very bad behavior, twisted and shocking behaviors, from people that, on outward appearances seem decent.

Has it always been this bad, or is there a new downward spiral that is spiraling faster and more out of control? The world has always had bad people in it. It has always had more than enough truly decent people to balance things out. But that balance seems to be slipping. I work in retail. I work in a toy store that builds stuffed animals for people of all ages. And I am witnessing so much more backstabbing, a great deal of self-entitlement, mixed signals from parents to children and spouses to each other, and something called mind murder where the very spirit of the person is damaged. I would like to give examples of all these phenomena with the appropriate representative snippets of conversation that I have witnessed.

We are only human. It is true. We are. And even when we dutifully and correctly refrain from saying our negative thoughts out loud, we do have them about people. It is only natural. Each one of us considers ourselves in the right while the other person is plain crazy. We all have our daily frustrations and anger towards the people in our lives. It is when you say it out loud, and in front of customers at the work place that it becomes a bad behavior. Talking about someone behind their back is cowardly. Talking about them behind their back in front of customers should be a reprimandable offense, but then, who is going to be the 'tattletale?' Trying to tune it out is the only option, but it is frustrating when what the backstabber says is incorrect, or ludacris. For example:

"God, she's on the warpath today. I can't do anything right. All I wanted to do was text [someone] and she sent me back out here to work. She wants us to clean! What's to clean? We did it last week! And there's really no one in the store really, not anyone to really bother with. Why can't we just hang out and talk?" {In fact there were two separate small groups of people in the store that this time who very clearly heard this tirade.}

"She's such a witch. How can we be expected to get all this done?" {My vote is to actually start the task. Starting doing the task is a good way to get through it. But again, customers were in the store.}

"I don't know why I got called in to work today. It's not like I'm going to be here that long and i'm not gonna do anything. I don't really want to be here." {A four hour shift is long enough to do some work for the company. Plus, I am thinking the manager had a little hope that this person would actually do something while they were there. And yes, customers were in the store. This person was standing behind the register with customers waiting to purchase the things they had selected.}

"Do you know what's funny? I actually hate kids." {This from a former employee spoken during the busy time on a Saturday while many parents and their children were standing all around.}

Customers overhear these kinds of remarks and I am sure they wonder at the integrity and reliability of the store itself, it's product, and will very harshly pre-judge it's customer service.

There are those who simply know they were born with the world owing them a living, every break it can find, and privileges that far exceed their contributions. They go through the revolving doors of life on someone else's push. They expect everything their way and handed to them on a silver platter. For example:

The man of means {money} who demanded that a sale be extended personally to him after it has ended. {His demand was met for the simple reason that he would have, indeed, gone above our heads to complain. It was not worth that to us.}

The woman who complained about not getting free merchandise for her daughter's birthday. "This is a toy store. It's ridiculous to think you wouldn't give her what she wants on her birthday!" {We did not give away merchandise from our store. The managers and higher ups of our store would have considered that stealing from them. At the very least it would have been pilfering. We no more give away our merchandise than a jewelry store gives away diamond rings for the birthday girl or a fancy department store gives away a prom dress just because prom happens to fall on a certain girl's birthday.}

The woman who loudly complained when we would not allow her to use her $10 off accessories coupon for clothes for her daughter's stuffed animal. She felt that accessories were anything other than the animal and that included clothes and shoes. Our store used the word accessory on the coupon with the thought that people knew the definition of the word. A fashion accessory is, for most people, an accoutrement such as belts, scarves, bracelets, sunglasses, purses, etc. This woman wanted it to cover clothes and shoes. "They are stuffed animals, for Christ's sake! You aren't going to give me the outfit and shoes because you don't think they are accessories?" {We did not/could not give her the $10 off the clothes and shoes because they are not accessories. She pointed at us and said to her eight-year old daughter, "These people won't let you have what you want. Blame them for ruining your day." And I am sure her mother made sure she did blame us.}

The problem with adults who exhibit self-entitlement behavior is that their children are watching them. Their children will grow up believing that the world owes them. They will see that they may sometimes have to force others to bend to their will. They will also see that, if they cannot get the rules bent for them, they will rationalize their rude behavior by blaming others. Bottom line, it will never be their fault.

Mixed signals. We've all been on the receiving end of them. But there are people who live their entire conversational lives and execute their parenting behavior with mixed signals. Case in point.

A couple come in with their nine-year old son and their six-year old daughter. It was her birthday and they wanted to let her have a stuffed animal. They were going to get their son one, too, but of lessor value since it was their daughter's actual birthday. Sit down for this episode. It's going to be a bumpy ride.

Boy: "I want this one!"

Mother: "No, it's too expensive. It's your sister's birthday. Let her pick first."

Boy: "I want this one! I want this one! I want this one!" [The boy is yelling.]

The father tries to take his son in hand but they boy out argues both his parents. The little girl wants a certain animal but her mother says, "No, I don't like that one. It's ugly. What about this one. Mommy likes this one."

The little girl did not want that one and starts to cry. It is her birthday. They had told her she could have any animal she wanted. Long story short, the child gives in to her mother. During the stuffing, the boy goes first because he pushes his sister out of the way. His parents allow him to stuff first since it will "shut him up." It does not shut him up. He races all through the store gathering all he wants for his animal without regard to what his parents are saying. I tried to involved the family in the stuffing of the little girl's animal but they are too distracted by the son's yelling and pulling merchandise off the walls.

The father tries to negoiate with his son. They will only get him one thing. Then it is two things. Then finally it is everything he wants. The mother argues with her husband saying, "Why are you letting him have all that? It's not his birthday. You're just giving in to him!" She turns to her son and threatens to take it all away if he doesn't "shut the hell up!" Apparently use to this empty threat the boy shouts that he has all he wants now anyway and she can't take it away because he has ripped all the tags off.

The mother cannot convince her daughter to take any of the things she offers for the animal to wear. The little girl says, "It's not the animal I really wanted so I just want it like this. This is fine." The mother tells the little girl she is "stupid to not take the extra things they are willing to pay for."

At the register the parents continue to bicker with the son saying they don't know why or how he ended up with a more expensive animal and more stuff than their daughter whose birthday it was. The wife blames her husband saying he is pushover and that their son will never learn. At that moment, the son brings up one more thing he wants to buy. His mother yells, "No! No more stuff. You have more than your sister does and it's her birthday!" The son yells, "But I want it!" I look at the mother who rolls her eyes and nods for me to add the item. The boy takes it out of my hands and runs off with it.

The little girl is holding her animal close to her chest and is saying, "You're okay. You're kinda nice. You're almost as good as the one I wanted." {Sadly her brother got the one she wanted and he was taunting her with that fact.}

People saying one thing and doing another is not a good way to parent a child. it is not a good way to exist in any relationship. It is lazy and cowardly. Say what you mean. Act on what you say, especially when you are parenting a child.

This is not a new concept. It is not my term. I read about Mind Murder in a book authored by Richard Restak, M.D. titled, "The Brain Has A Mind of It's Own."

Mind murder. It happens to us everyday, pretty much all day long. I would even go so far as to put on the table that it is one of the reasons why we are so exhausted, so disheartened, at the end of some days. It might also be why we are so down on ourselves, our ideas, our dreams, and our world. People are whittling away at our confidence, our self-esteem, our very thoughts and opinions. We look for the value in what we do with our lives, in what we see in ourselves, while people are attacking our very spirits.

At the store where I work, customers select the animal they want to stuff. They then, of course, come to have it stuffed. We ask if they want it stuffed "soft or hard," and by way of that we mean a little stuffing so that the animal is soft and cuddly, or with a lot more stuffing so that it is firmer, harder. I've set the stage. Let the customers come.

Parent: "You can pick any animal you want." Child: "I want the tiger!" Parent: "No, you can't have the tiger. I don't like the tiger." Child: "But, I do! I love the tiger. Can't I have him, please?" Parent: "No, I said you can have any animal you want, but not the tiger. And not the bunny. I'm not buying a bunny. It's not Easter. But you can have any animal you want." Child: "But I want the tiger." Parent: "Not the tiger or the bunny or the...." Child: "But that's not any animal I want." Parent: "And whose paying for this? Not you. So it's any animal you want as long as I want to pay for it."

~

Child: "I want it stuffed soft and cuddly." Parent: "No. Stuff it full. He doesn't know what he wants. I know what he wants."

~

Child: "It's perfect! I love him! He's so soft." Parent: "Let me feel." - [to me]: "Put more stuffing in." Child: "No! It's perfect!" Parent: "It'll still be soft. I want more in it." Child: " NO! Please! I like it like THIS!" Parent: "Hush. I know what you like better than you do."

~

A very young child did not want a stuffed animal. Not at all. He was afraid of the unstuffed animals. His mother and big sister picked one out for him anyway. He was crying as they gripped his arms and pulled him to the stuffer. His shoes were sliding across the floor as he put up resistance. They stood on either side of him and forced him to stand on the pedal to make the stuffer operate. Together, me holding the animal on the pipe and the mother and sister forcing the young child to stand on the pedal, we stuffed the animal. He was screaming and sobbing and struggling. His sister had to grip his ankle and force his foot on the pedal. His mother kept smiling and taking one-handed photos with her cell phone all the while saying, "Oh, don't be a silly boy. You're having fun. You just don't know it yet." \

While I was sewing up his animal, he turned away, still screaming and crying, and tried to climb up this mother's leg. His mother told him, "Why are you acting so silly? You're having a great time." The child was sobbing, "I'm not! I'm not!"

He wants nothing to do with the stuffed animal and pushes it away screaming. The child is in a blind panic now since he realizes his mother is not listening or understanding [or ignoring] his fears. He manages to get her to pick him up and he hides his face in her neck. Finally he feels he is in a safe place. He cannot see the animal. His sister has it. He is holding onto his mother for his very life but, she takes the very animal that is is so afraid of from her daughter and pushes it in between herself and her son. Now he is about four or five feet off the ground in the arms of his mother whom he is so desperately wanting to trust, and she has put the object of all his fears between them and is forcing his head down onto it to snuggle against it. Her hand is gripping his small head and shoving it against the stuffed animal.

The child's arms are shoving against his mother and eyes are almost rolled back in his head. Before his little face is forced down onto the stuffed animal, I see that his mouth is open in a scream so deep I can no longer hear it. His scream is so deep, so powerful it has become tiny. Lost in the realization that he is being forced, almost smothered, against an object of which he is terrified. The silence of that moment is something I will never forget because the mother of that child filled it with these soft-spoken words. "The tiger will get mad at you and maybe growl at you if you don't love him." The mother and big sister had had me put in a growl. And yes, the mother chose that moment to squeeze the sound to make the animal growl.

~

A co-worker asked, "I heard you like dragons. I love them, too. I read all about them. I know everything about dragons. I am all about medieval times. I have prints of dragons and knights. I even have a suit of armor." She goes on for several minutes more then asks,"Why do you like dragons?"

"My husband was in the Marine Corps. His nickname was Dragon. When he was alive, he was my Dragon. It became a term of endearment. After he died, well, it is a sentimental thing for me. I love dragons because of him. It tempers my loss."

The co-worker said, "But that's not really a dragon. He's not a dragon. I mean, you can't say you like dragons like me because he's not a dragon. It's not the same thing, not like I like dragons. My interest in them is genuine. Yours can't be considered a real interest. Not like mine. You can't talk about liking dragons like I can. My interest is the real thing."

~

And so it continues; the slow, monotonous chipping away at our psyches by people who really have nothing to gain by belittling us, by hurting us. Whether it is through backstabbing, the actions of someone who feels self-entitled, through mixed signals, or mind murder, I have to wonder this. Why do some people put in all the effort to behave this badly when the only bragging right is, "I made someone suffer today."