Death, Grief, Hurt, Anger, Solitude, and the Stream of Consciousness that Follows It All
73It was a long Easter Sunday night alone and has been a longer Monday. I felt this stream of consciousness bubbling forth with no one to hear me. I offer it up to anyone who is grieving and feels that sense of isolation, or of feeling as if no one knows how bad it can feel. I offer it up as a soliloquy in hopes that something I write might strike a chord in someone and resonate as a shared pain. We may not be rowing the same boat, may not even see each other's boat, but the knowledge that we drift of the same sea or sorrow might be a comfort. Kindred spirits are difficult to ferret out from the darkness of grief.
The death of someone you love takes more from you than that person. It takes away the life you knew and the life you were planning for. It takes away the relationships you had with everyone else around you and redefines them. It takes away confidence, self-esteem, and the feeling that you ever had any control over your life. What death takes away is irreplaceable.
Whatever the bond was between you and the person who died can and will define the depth of the grief that follows. I've lost both my parents, my grandparents, and a baby to death. Now I've lost my soulmate and the pain of that is different than the pain of the others. Each death has affected me differently. The deaths of my parents and grandparents were expected due to illnesses. They were painful and filled with all the unresolved issues that death cuts short. The death of my baby was a complete and total shock. I was numb for so long I did not know if it could be called living. I put one foot in front of the other and now I am here. The death of my baby was managed quite differently than this death. I had more people in my life offering me comfort and an ear, and a shoulder. This time it is vastly different.
I have lost my love, my mate, my husband and I feel like I'm being sucked down into a hole so deep that I won't be found. I have so few people in my life anymore that I feel like I'm falling but, not only is no one there to reach out to me, no one even notices I am not there anymore. I am invisible without him standing next to me. It makes me so angry to see how easily others got back to their lives and have never once thought to call or email to check on how I am feeling. A quick embrace at the funeral and then silence. I was not the one that made the impression. He had. He was the force of nature that I was so willingly, so happily caught up in. I was invisible to everyone but him. I am angry that his death hasn't touched their lives as harshly. And deep inside I know that's not fair to them. He wasn't as important to their lives as he is to mine. He touched them and they grieved. They came to his funeral but their lives were not affected on the day-to-day, moment-to-moment as mine has been. It is unreasonable for me to be angry but the anger is there and I have to work thorough it with a logic that is hard to conjure in my despair.
I am exhausted and wish with all my heart that there was someone in my life who could look around and notice that I'm no longer part of the human race. I wish for an older sister or a wisened aunt. I wish for a brother but he abandoned me long ago and though I reached out to him with this terrible news and my deep sorrow, he has chosen to forget he has a sister. Life's twisted circumstance has greatly assisted in keeping me locked away out of sight with little chance of finding new friends. Out of sight, out of mind. I am not even a blip on the screen. I try to toss my name into life but I keep getting kicked back out.
It was Easter this past weekend and my son came for a quick visit. Bless his heart, he did the best he could around his teaching schedule. It is a solid eight hour drive for him from Florida but he arrived Saturday evening and stayed until Sunday evening. A noon meeting Monday morning kept him from staying longer. But our time was well spent. My daughter stopped by as well around her other obligations. A couple of hours Saturday night. A litttle less Sunday just before her brother had to start his return trip. It was nice having them both together. There was so little time with them though and my sorrow reached deeply into an abyss last night after they left and I have not found my way out of. I'm their mother and they love me. But they have their lives now and I am just one of the things they need to do. I know I am making myself sound less important than I should but it is my fragility that is keeping me from looking at things in a diplomatic way. Everything I get, I receive with humility and grace. It is always more than I expect, but it is less than I want or need at this time. I just keep living but I'm numb most of the time. That's the time when the only two people I have who check up on me see me and think I'm doing quite well. They can't see the anguish and loneliness I feel. When they are gone, I am crushed under the weight of my aloneness. It's not that I don't know how to be alone. I just never wanted to be without my husband whom I adored.
I don't think I'm lauding him now that he's gone and isn't here to tell me I've lost my mind and remind me of his quirks and flaws. I remember them all and I never wanted to be without those either. He was a handful and I know it. But he was also adorable and strong and warm and kind. We loved each other and the bond was very strong. I know realize that the bond we had is one reason why I'm hurting so badly. Another reason was the suddenness of his death with no time to try to prepare myself for. I kissed him good-night. It wasn't meant to be our final good-bye.
I miss the way he made me feel. I miss the way he could make me laugh. I miss the strength I felt knowing he was in my life. I miss kissing him and sleeping next to him at night. I miss having him to talk to about this. His death. He'd know what to say to me. He'd know how to comfort me. The truly awful thing is that death took the one person in my life that I could talk to. Death took the only person I need who could help me get through this.
I don't know if these scattered thoughts can make anyone feel better. It is my hope that some shattered soul out there finds this hub, reads it, and feels that link that a "bad day" might bring. "You're having a bad day? So am I. Let's have it together."
Solitude is not for the faint of heart. Neither is deep grief. Either way I will need all the strength I saw in my husband to get through this. I am trying. I want to make him proud of me.
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thank you so much for your words. i will check out the site.
This is so beautiful in it's deep sorrow. I want you to understand what I mean when I say that.
I hear you. I know you. Your thoughts are not scattered at all, they are completely coherent and I understood them. Because they are my own too. The glorious truth exists inside of you. Take it's hand and go with it, wherever it leads you. Don't you ever stop writing your words. Not ever.
Perhaps one day you will free to contact me. I know the whole issue surrounding that though, believe me. Extreme Love and Peace to you. And to all of us.
my sincerest thanks, A.M. Gwynn
For myself only , because I spend too much time with those gone before me, I often imagine sitting with that person for just a moment . And , What they would tell me!
What would they say about my dwelling on the loss. The years have gone by and the edge of loss has dulled , now I spend that time writing , as you do. About whatever comes along. Stay well.......for you.
this hub was written at 3 months into my grief. to be honest, i re-read it and cannot remember writing it. such is this journey. thank you for your thoughts. i am now almost 18 months and i continue to keep my eyes on the horizon though i am not sure what i am looking for. for time to dull the edge? for relief from the longing? whatever comes, whatever happens, i am facing in the right direction.
Find something that excites you , really , and go with it. Onward and upward. Thank you for what you are doing .
i create my art. that is what keeps me going. without being able to create what i see in the different mediums i work with, write what i think, it would be worse for me. i have never been an actual talker so my art speaks for me. and yes, it is what excites me. thank you for reading. thank you for your advice.
My husband died this February and I was touched by what you wrote. I, too, lost my soulmate and it was the depth of our bond of love that gives me strength now. But on a dily basis I sorely miss his words, his touch, his presence, his funny sayings, his nuisance habits. I do find that he lives on in funny stories he has written, in the friends we have, in gtreat photos he took, in memories we created. Although I resent the suddenness with which I have had to make changes and the indecision in the future, all events in our lives are here to teach us and this is an opportunity for growth and learning. It ia getting easier.
Karen, i am deeply sorry to learn of your own loss. i agree that there are things to be learned from every event life hands us no matter how large, or small. i am glad things are getting easier for you but please beware of the roller coaster effect of good days and bad days that widows and widowers speak of. i will keep you in my thoughts. thank you for commenting.
Dear WomanNshadows, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings.I am so very sorry for your loss. I can so relate and you are the first person that I have found who feels the same as I have been feeling. I lost my dear husband of 17 years very unexpectedly in April of this year. The shock, numbness and fear were so overwhelming I thought there's no way I can possibly go on and I'm still so unsure to this day. It's like one minute your fixing supper and the next your planning a funeral. I felt as though I was simply going through the motions. And you are so right, a quick hug and then silence. I too am very much alone and have felt the many emotions you have spoken about. I too feel invisibe to the world around me and have very little support. Your right the children have life's of their own. Somehow I know that we must go forward, though it is so difficult with this sence of loss of identity so to speak. Thank you so much for putting into words what I could not. I sence that you are a very strong woman and together in this world I know that all of us that are dealing with such a great loss will once again make our way. I will keep you in my thoughts. Your words have been a great comfort. Sincerely grateful.
dear countrylady, i am so terribly sorry to hear of your own loss. the words sound trite and yet, i do know what you are going through and am sincerely sorry you have become a widow. it has been over a year now and the pain has not lessened, i have just gotten more used to it. i hope you know that you are not alone. as long as you can talk about what you are feeling to another person, even if it is someone online, another widow, you have made a connection to someone who understands you and sympathizes and can send you love and support. i will keep you close in my heart and thoughts, and in my meditations. i use that word to replace prayer so i do not offend anyone. you will make it. you will get through each day. you will never be the same but you will find your way. email me whenever you wish. i am here to be a friend. i wish you peace and light.
Dear womanNshadows, Thank you so much for your kind words. As I read them tears flow because I know the pain you speak of. I don't know how to get used to it. Time has helped dull it somewhat however it's like being on a rollercoaster of emotions from one day to the next. I have always been a very positive person and to my family, the rock. I get the real sence that they expect that to remain the same no matter what. There is so much that one must deal with and it is very overwhelming to say the least. I am so grateful to have made a connection with you knowing that you truely understand. I hope in our darkest hour a friendship will be born. Thank you so very much for your encouragement. You are in my thoughts and meditations.
my dear countrylady, i know this roller coaster. it lasts and lasts and there is nothing you can do about it. you cannot ask to get off. but i think it is who you sit with that helps. it is "darkest before the dawn," as they say. so we can "sit" together here in the darkness and hold hands through the scary parts, through the sobbing parts, through all the parts of this grief journey as we wait for the "dawn." i wish you peace and light.
Lisa HW Level 6 Commenter 3 years ago
womanNshadows, just in case anyone (you or your readers in the same situation) has not heard of this forum, there is a forum for people in bereavement; and things are broken down according to the type of loss. There is a "death of a spouse" section there. I don't know how useful it would be to anyone, but I thought I'd mention it:
http://www.thelightbeyond.com/forum/
As I mentioned in a comment on another of your Hubs, I have not experienced the loss of a spouse. My experience is limited to watching my mother go through being widowed in her early fifties.
Two statements you made kind of seemed to say it all, and ring a bell, for me:
"It's not that I don't know how to be alone. I just never wanted to be without my husband whom I adored." Words similar to those are what I so often heard from my mother all those years ago. (Not to imply this type of loss is comparable, but I did lose the very close best friend I had growing up (and person with whom I was inseparable); and I was very aware of how there was "grieving her loss of life" and "grieving the kind of life/future I thought I/we had".
If I may be forgiven for offering the words of someone not in your "boat", I'd hope people who are in your boat can keep in mind (in spite of the inescapable awfulness of having to live through the grieving process) that solitude is always our own to define (even it defining it takes some time). Also, since you've gone through losing a child, I would think you should remind yourself that you have already demonstrated your strength in getting through such awful things; and it may possibly help you a little more if you look at your own strength, rather than at the strength your husband had.
I know people have to go process each part of any grief on their own, and in time they come out the other side. Still, I've always found it helpful to think in terms of "shaking a fist at the universe, God, or the thing that caused the death" and saying, "You will not take more from me than you already have." I've always found that taking that approach can be the first step in feeling as we've begun to take back some control, with the context of a larger picture over which we have no control.
Stay strong, Keep writing. Think about ways you may turn your rotten experience into something that could help others. Wishing you the best, under the circumstances.