Grief ~ How Long Does It Last?
90Thoughts from someone already on the journey
I am grieving. Every morning I wake up to the knowledge that my husband is not beside me. All through the day I work from home, alone, on the creations from the Memory Quilts business I have started, and my time awake would be silent if not for the radio or television I switch back and forth from. And every night I walk slowly back to a bed that is just for me alone. No more whispers in the dark. No more being tucked safely under his arm or my fingers reaching for his hand as we drift off to sleep side by side. Only the knowledge that it will be the same tomorrow, and the next day, keeps me company, that and my two little dogs who cannot for the life of them understand why I roll over each night, still, after 6 months, to shake with silent sobs on a pillow that is never used.
For some, grief lasts. For a percentage of us, the heartache goes on. That is what I’ve come to determine after having spent time reading from the famous, the not famous on grief blogs, and listening to other widows and widowers in the group who come and go with the random timing of milestones in their lives where they need the additional support. And there are the regulars who need the support of the once a month meetings.
I’ve observed the people in this group I attend and have seen that grief depends on so many things. How long a person actively grieves can depend upon their age, maturity, their character, physical and mental health, their religious beliefs, the support of family and friends and the continuation of that support as time goes on.
I think it also can depend on how prepared a person was before the death occurred. Was there anticipation as in an extended illness? Was it sudden as in an accident or an act of violence? Was the loved one in a line of work such as law enforcement or the military where there is always great risk? Did the bereaved witness the death, take frantic part in trying to save their loved one as I did when my husband was seized by a fatal and very unexpected heart attack?
I have drawn the conclusion, my own personal one from personal observations, that those who experience the sudden and unexpected death of their loved one have a longer adjustment period. There was no time to have last words or to deal with the understanding that a disease could not be cured. There were no last goodbyes. There can be no timeframe for grief because every grief is unique to the person who experiences it and to their relationship with the deceased.
If you are looking for answers, as I have been, to when this hell will be over, know this. It will end with the most acute pain winding down when it will. The pounding in your chest, the constriction in your throat will cease at a time that you cannot predict. And you will “move on” in your own way though your moving on will be very different than others who seem to have “gone on with their lives.”
There is one widow who had become a closer acquaintance than the others. She had tried to reach out to me more. She was incredulous at the amount of time I spend alone. Hour after hour, day after day, I am alone with few interruptions. My daughter calls every day. My son two or three times a week. My daughter tries to be with me for as much as three hours on her two days a week off. Once her schedule allowed for a day that gave us 5 hours together. One week I did not see her at all. The facilitator of my grief group wanted me to make a note one month of how often I am physically in the company of another human being. In that entire month, I interacted with people for a total of 26 hours. Everyone was appalled but no one offered to stop by and pick me up for a supper out, or a movie with them, or to come and sit with me for a brief visit. They are busy with their own lives and dealing with their own grief. I am just someone they look at and most likely think, “There but for the grace of God.”
I know for a fact that I am in deep and active grief. As of this writing, it has been exactly six months and two weeks since my husband was seized with a sudden and, in my eyes, violent heart attack. I could not bring him back. The EMT’s had a heartbeat, they said, but they could have been lying so that they were not the ones to break the sad news. I say that I know I will grieve for him forever simply because I know what our relationship was. It was deep and loving. I’ve written too much about him in my other hubs to write about who he was here. To stay on point, I will say that because of who I am and who he was and what we were together, I will be a widow until I die.
But I know of others who will not be. The woman from my group who is a better acquaintance has been a widow for two and a half years. She has a four year-old daughter and a seven year-old son. And she is now newly engaged to her husband’s best friend. She is ecstatic. Her memories of her beloved husband have faded to a sweet sadness that he is gone. They were married for 18 years and had their children later on, but she is only in her forties and craves someone to be with her. She explained to me that she is so shocked at my absolute aloneness because she is so afraid of it. She hasn’t been alone since her husband’s sudden death from a heart condition no one knew about. She moved in to her parent’s home and stayed there, forming the attachment to her husband’s best friend from there, dating him while her parent’s babysat, and ultimately getting engaged. Since she told me, she has stopped calling to check on me. Her apologetic phone call out of the blue one day came because she felt guilty. She is so happy and I am still so fresh in my own grief. She started to say that I was a depressing reminder to what she had once experienced but she changed it after the word depressing to the thought that her happiness might make me sadder. She told me she knows I will never get over losing my husband. She sees that in me even now, this early on.
There is another woman who writes to me for advice that I do not feel qualified to give but she likes my writing, “the way you put things.” She wrote to say she has been a widow of 6 years, recently divorced from her second husband, and wants to find a love like the one I write about. I have no idea what to tell her. She loved her first husband, the one who widowed her but even in that she says it was not like the love I have with my Marine. The thing is, she said she remarried because she was alone. She wasn’t ready though, she claimed. And now she is divorced and wants to find true love.
I don’t think you can find true love. I think it just happens. I met my Marine and he became my Dragon. We were meant to be. It took years to find each other if that’s how you want to look at it, but we just happened upon each other. There was no deliberate search. We were just very, very lucky. And now I am very, very sad.
I cannot tell this woman how to find a love like the one I had. I tell her to just breathe. What I do not know is if she is over her grief from the loss of her first husband or caught up in some whirlwind of hating to be alone. I hear that from so many women. They do not want to be alone.
The men in the group I have met seem to fall into the same perimeters of grief as the women. It affects them the same way, by age, situation, type of relationship, how their wives died, age of children if any, and so on. The grief that I have observed does not seem to have gender specific rules. But I could be wrong. I simply think that anyone who is grieving does not have to do what society thinks, what their friends tell them to, or adhere to a guideline suggested by a book. Grief will last for as long as it lasts. There is no right thing to do or wrong thing to do unless you wish to harm yourself. Then you need to find a professional to help you cope.
I do see from observing others that grief lasts longer than you anticipate. It can drag out. There is a woman who drops into the group from time to time who has been grieving and been afraid of so much for over five years. She has been encouraged to seek a professional for guidance. I know that grief is a roller coaster with good days and bad days. It seems the first year is hard. During the second year a lot of things come together, details and thoughts on how the rest of your life is going to proceed. But there are always the holidays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine’s Day. My husband’s funeral was on February 14th. It will always be a day that I will have that memory rise up into my throat. It wasn’t done intentionally. It simply happened, like his death. Out of my control and beyond my comprehension. I wasn’t looking at a calendar when the plans were being made. I worked around the cremation, the pastor, the church, etc. But for me Valentine’s Day will never even have a bittersweet memory. It will be the day of his funeral and all the family crap that occurred. The only blessing on that day was that he was beyond being hurt by it.
How long does grief last? It can take less than a year, or two years, three years, and depending upon your particular situation, your desires, it may never truly end. But I think that is normal. If you get up each morning, dress and meet the day, if you laugh and take part in life in some way, if you can smile and feel anticipation for a movie date with friends, or the coming of the coolness of Fall, or the end of a long cold Winter, then you are living. So what if you never remarry? So what if you do? You are living and content with your life. That is all anyone needs. Contentment. Peace. It is more than some of us get. I may not have friends who call to check on me, or invite me places, but I have a job. I make Memory Quilts that I can tell brings solace to people during a time in their lives when they crave it the most. When the death is fresh and they want this tangible object that every scrap of fabric in it belonged to their loved one, or their grief is months, years old and the pain has dimmed to sadness and only at certain times and they simply want the keepsake forever, I can make the quilts for them. It gives them someone to tell their story to, to turn over the burden of it to someone who can see it as a tangible object. I can take their stories and visualize a quilt that is only for them. No pattern can be used for something as unique as grief. Though I am alone, this is my way of staying connected to the outside world. But I also believe that I will, in a softer way as time moves on, grieve for my Dragon for the rest of my life.
In the book “Perfectly Reasonable Deviations From the Beaten Track,” there is a letter written by Dr. Richard Feynman to his first wife, Arlene, who died of tuberculosis. It is a letter that he wrote to Arlene a year and four months after she died. It was found among his papers after he died. It appeared well worn, as if he read and reread it often. In the letter he states that he doesn’t believe he will ever love again, that he adores her and only her. He claims to not believe in God and therefore doesn’t know where she is exactly so the letter cannot be delivered. He states that he doesn’t want to remain alone but everyone he meets, “they all seem ashes. You only are left to me. You are real.”
He signs it, “My darling wife, I do adore you. I love my wife. My wife is dead.”
Dr. Feynman went on to marry twice more and have two children with his third wife. In the book “Feynman’s Rainbow,” he has a conversation with the author, Leonard Mlodinow where he says that he met Arlene and loved her very deeply. “She changed me. She helped me a lot. She taught me that one has to be irrational sometimes.” He went on to say that “when you’re unhappy, think about it. When you’re happy, don’t. With Arlene, I was happy.” He knew when he married her that she had TB but he married her because he loved her. “With Arlene I was really happy for a while. So I have had it all. After Arlene, the rest of my life didn’t have to be so good, you see, because I had already had it all.”
With my Marine, my Dragon, I had it all. There is too much to the man to ever tell it all. Too much of it is secret. He is unique in all the world and he was mine. Larger than life and so much like a Frederick Forsyth novel, I adore him. We had no money during our marriage, it all went to paying off debt and to the children, but I have no regrets about living that way with him. He gave me a love I had only read about in books and heard about in songs. Our life together was not a fairy tale but there was magic. I will love him deeply forever.
How long does grief last? As long as it will.
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I see you as a dragon yourself as flying alone over the mountains, missing her mate. Perhaps this is wrong since your Marine was your dragon, but that's the image that came to mind. What is important in the image is that you continue to be beautiful and see beauty around you. Most of all, you hold that most precious love deep in your heart. Thanks again for sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings. It's hard when you're a deep feeling creature and everyone else around you seems to settle and compromise for love. I have been single a long time and never been married and although I feel lonely at times, I know I have no wish to get with someone I don't feel deeply for. I hope I find someone to love the way you two loved each other, but I'll be happier to stay single till then! It is commendable that you continue to think of others when you feel so abandoned by brief friendships. It is very good that you have family in your life.
6 months is but a day when it comes to this kind of loss
it's been 3 years for me, and I think of him now most of the time instead of all of the time
you never move on, you just move forward
keep writing, and keep finding your strength
elisabethkcmo, thank you for saying this. some have told me i should be feeling better. i feel nothing but anguish and pain. 3 years for you. i feel a deep compassion for you and an awe at having gone through this for so long. i know he's gone forever now but i cannot think past the day i'm existing in much less thinking of time in years. oh, elisabeth, thank you for saying what you did. it is an odd comfort because i don't know anything about this kind of grief but i do know that i will never move on.
Hi womanNshadows. I am so deeply sorry for your loss, I came across your response to James hub and couldn't resist checking in on your hubs because I know you have just had the one year mark. Your loss and love hold no bounds, and I am so glad that you placed all your feelings, thoughts and hopes down so others can read and share your grief. This hub absolutely gave me goose bumps, and I am sure all others will have the same affect. Thank you for expressing yourself so freely, and stay blessed. You have a friend here if you need one to just vent or cut the breeze with. God bless you.
one2recognize2, it's only been 6 months since my husband died. the anniversary i celebrated alone was our wedding anniversary.
thank you for your kind words. it's been a harrowing adjustment and one that i have not done willingly.
womanNshadows, I am deeply moved by your writing. Ten years ago I lost a Sister, Brother in law, nephew and friend within 1 year. I feel somewhat the pain that you are feeling. Needless to say, I have issues with it myself.
My Sister's husband passed from a heart related illness also and it nearly crushed her. The best thing that you must allow yourself to recognize and know is that YOU are still worthy of living a happy life. HE would want that.
You are in the early stages of trying to cope with it all, but one day the pain will be less, and the life will be more.
One day at a time, you will get through it.
thank you KStyle. your thoughts are most appreciated.
I am a widow twice now, and I have been divorced twice, and I am still grieving over the loss of my beloved Rocky that died in 1995, to be followed by my late beloved John in 2002, and my late beloved Frank in January 2008 and my late beloved second ex Roy in November 2008. I still grief and I still cry and I still pray that I may go on to be with them soon. My life is empty accept what I write and there isn't time I don't cry over their loss. You will never stop grieving over the loss of your love one. Take it from me.
I am a widow twice now, and I have been divorced twice, and I am still grieving over the loss of my beloved Rocky that died in 1995, to be followed by my late beloved John in 2002, and my late beloved Frank in January 2008 and my late beloved second ex Roy in November 2008. I still grief and I still cry and I still pray that I may go on to be with them soon. My life is empty accept what I write and there isn't time I don't cry over their loss. You will never stop grieving over the loss of your love one. Take it from me.
I feel your pain. I lost my husband shy of two months ago from cancer. Even tho I was with him through his last days, it still has not prepared me for the loss. I feel like I am drowning in sorrow each day. The nights are worse. I have returned to working full time and that has helped somewhat but I sit at my desk sometimes and still feel such an overwhelming grief that I have to excuse myself to grieve privately. I count each day and live it day by day. Given the chance, I'll leave this life now just to be with my soulmate. He was everything to me.
First let me say my Heart and soul ache for all of you. My grief is different. The people involved are still alive my son and little Grandson. My son was never warm and loving and I made a mistake of believing he was after returning to out home being in Hawaii for 30 years as he was broke and would be on the street and had a Grandson of three with him while going through a wicked divorce. In the year they were here off and on I thought he would become the son I wanted and well he just up and left after the divorce and his ex won't let me see my Grandson. So I am grieving both of them knowing that other son was not to be and won't ever come back and has dropped his son and therefore we have lost him too. They are alive but it's like a dealth to us
and as cold as he is I miss him and who I hoped he would be.
My cousin told me to peel away the layer and see what it brings and it took me as an only child back to my Father who he just live nd how I did everything to get hids love and he just didn't know how. So they don't have to be really dead in the sense but to us they are and I greive just like your loss. My cousin says it comes from anything aand she says it hits without warning. Mine is months but feels like forever. Like you I can't go in their room, I have not gotten rid of all they both left behind. It's very hard to listen to others who have not been there, they just could not realize the pain. I write this for people like me who have dear friends that can't understand that we greive too just like someone has died because our loss is the same. So be kind and understanding and know you don't
need to bury someone to feel such a loss that will be in our hearts forever like yours. I feel for all of you as my hhusband and I cared for 4 years three parents and they all died in 12 months. They were wonderful people and we loved them but losing your son and Grandson hurt more to us. Hug
someone today, we all need to feel good and hugs are wonderful to help what each must bare. Love, Peg
My heart hurts for you, I feel your pain, I know your pain. I lost my only child to suicide at the age of 16, I witnessed the tragedy. One baby step at a time.
You mentioned memory quilts. I am very interested. A lady has proposed to make a quilt from my son's tshirts. Is this something you can do?
DustinsMom, thank you for your kind words. yes, i make memory quilts. i have a website: www.renaissanceartist.webs.com. i take any and all clothing to create the quilts. i have sent you an email through your contact information from your hub profile.
i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you for saying what is in my heart. I do not know how or why others do not understand. I lost my wonderful husband unexpectedly 2 months ago and it seems like it was but a few moments ago - I tried everything to keep him with me. Friends/family tell me that it will take time and it will get better but I find that to be the exact opposite. Luckily we have 5 teenagers and 1 toddler at home so I have much to keep me busy (aside from work). Still I miss him so very much and for all of the reading I have done, no one's words have struck true as yours. I am very interested in the memory quilt as well and would love to get more information from you.
Deidre, i am so sorry for the loss of your beloved. as you said you have your children to keep you busy plus your work, but also, please take care of yourself. i received your personal email and have responded. i wrote more to you there and it will be private. peace to you.
I lost my husband March 27, 2010 and words cannot ever come close to describe the pain I feel. My husband had cancer so we knew it was a matter of time, but that doesn't matter because you are never prepared. I miss him so badly. I am going through stages of grief, and I don't know how I am going to get through this, I cry everyday. I don't think that I will make it. My daughter is with me, thank Father in heaven. I just can't see how this poor lady stays by herself. I can go through a day and at dusk it hits me. I do hope that you find peace.
I totally understand and feel for you. I've lost 2 now. The first in 1998 at the age of 41. A massive heart attack in his sleep. I went on and reunited with my first boyfriend. I lost him October 29, 2009 to lung cancer that has spread. I do well most of the time. Unless I make the mistake of pulling up his picture on my cell phone or the computer. I have one of his laying in his bed at Hospice smiling at me. Its on hubpages at Archie's Last Six Months. Once I see his picture I cry the rest of the night. I'm unemployed and have too much time alone. I write and write and write. God sent me a cat on the way from Archies funeral. There's also a story When Life Gave Me Lemons, God Sent Me A Cat.So I write about my cat because when I stop writing and remember Archie is dead I cry again. I don't know how long this is supposed to last. Maybe forever. I'm afraid to stop writing because I'll probably start screaming. Here's whats keeping me sane. I'm also a hermit. There is an inspirational page. We all need to form some kind of group. My neighbor lost her 15 year old son last year and is in the same shape as all of us. http://www.furbytheferalfeline.shutterfly.com.
Treasure your love, keep it safe. The pain you feel is special, it's deep and despite your sharing; private. None will feel the way you do. No one loves your husband like you do. My husband died 6 years ago, I have moved on, remarried and have a new life. And yet and yet. In some ways I am still in that first terrible year. I have a feeling I always will be. Because for me, it's right. Deep love, deep feeling. Lucky us, unlucky us. Your a very special lady.
When I read your artical, it fely asif it was me that wrote that. My husband died of a sudden heart attack, also very violently in the doctors rooms. I was with him when it happened. My two boys were there aswell. It was the most awful thing we ever experienced. My boys are 10 and 8. My husband was 20 years older than me, but he was my first love. I fell inlove with him at the tender age of 17, and had my first baby at 19. He was everything I wanted in a man. He had been married before, but that was long before my time. He was really hurt in that relationship. He had two girls in that marraige, and we get on so very well. My husband died 1 year and 4 months ago, and every day this last two weeks I have been feeling that it is time for him to come home now, he has been away long enough. My heart doesn't stop aching. I also don't know if I will ever move on. I can't. What do I need to learn in this cruel life lesson? not to love unconditionally, because everyone dies, and we have to be prepared all the time? Well then I failed that life lesson, because I didn't expect him to die, and I loved him with everything in me. That day at the doctor I felt asif I could rip out my heart to put in his chest just so he would still live. I would sacrifice my life for him. My life is in shambles, my boys look up to me, but I am ashamed coz I feel I have dropped them, and neglected them, just so that I can make it through a day. I know how you feel in every sence. Good luck for the future, I hope things go well for you. How can I get in touch with you for a memory quilt. I am very interested. Its a good idea. God bless you and keep you in his palm of his hand
dearest Norma,
my heart goes out to you. you have to be strong for your children at a time when all you want to do is lay in bed. i understand these feelings so well. grief is very much like being set adrift in open water where the swells and the currents spin you and lift you up only to drop you down in a deep trough. i am here if you wish to talk and i would love for you to get in touch with me about making you a quilt. clutching one around you, smelling the fabrics, letting the memories take you back to happier times is what i try to create for you.
you can contact me by clicking the link "contact womanNshadows" in the gray box up there on the right under my profile photo. you can also visit my little business website at: www.renaissanceartist.webs.com
on that site you can also email me through the contact tab.
i hope to hear from you, even if it is only for you to talk about your love and how you are feeling. i will be here to listen to you so you do not feel like you are out in open water alone.
I am crying reading these messages...the honesty is so refreshing...So many people just tell you that you should be happy. I already had a very troubled life,and then I met a wonderful man when I was 23.He changed my world.he believed in me.He was the first human being who broke through,got behind my steel walls,and it felt wonderful.Our relationship was unconventional,but we were best friends,and soul mates.Both equally wounded,and I was filled with so much love for him.I never felt alone,and yet before then,I always did,even as a child. He died in a car crash.And I didn't get to say goodbye.I don'y understand why some people have to have such bad luck.But I am bitter and cynical as a result.I function,I live,but I am cautious with my heart,and scared to let people close,as even my family was never close,and he was the only one. I am the strongest person I know.I have no doubt I will endure.But I destroy my current relationship with cynicism and bitterness,I fear the harsh realities of the future.I am just so grateful that what we shared was so special...and I will always look for signs from something greater,to tell me he may be around,I miss him so much...love to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Leila, i am sorry your life has been so hard. i know how easy it is to fall into bitterness but i think maybe it might tarnish the love that we get to share with that one soul who really knew us. being cautious is always a safe thing to do, but i hope you do not let it keep you from looking for a friend from the sidelines. if you are blessed to see someone for whom kindness and decency is their rule rather than their exception, the i hope you can move off the sidelines and go over to introduce yourself. it may not be another love, but it could be a deep friendship that is the light through the darkness.
i believe love does not die. i like to hold onto a promise that the ones who loved us do look out for us somehow, someway. not for us to know, i know, but yet, i believe that my Dragon would move Heaven and Earth to check in on me. i know your love is most likely doing the same. hold fast to hope. i keep you in my thoughts.
My deepest sympathies to you and to you all....blessed love and light to you. I was writing a hub called Tender Mourning about this subject and wanted to link to your hub. My heart breaks for you, I feel your pain - I see this love in my own parents' marriage. They've just celebrated 50 years and we cherish each holiday we get to spend with them together. I've been to so many funerals recently and thinking of my own love...I needed to write a piece of my own. Blessings to you and your tender hearts. I know I shall join you one day, or my love will be in anguish. May our Lady look kindly and smile on us all. Namaste'.
thank you for reading and leaving such a heartfelt comment. as a child i would see widows sitting together in Church. now i know why. they need each other, they support each other through this crushing pain. thank you for your prayers for all who grieve.
How are you doing?
Today was the 3rd anniversary of my husband's death from cancer and out of curiosity, I googled "how long does grief last?" and found this post.
Like you, I work from home and am alone most of the time. Since I married late, I'm used to be alone, but more - I am comfortable with it.
I don't know if I'll ever marry again. I used to say I would not, but my experiences have shown me that I can be over-ruled by Life whenever it feels like it.
I know what you mean about people not calling or coming by after a month or two. It seems the animals that are still at the heart of us all do not like to be reminded of their mortality and don't want to be sad if they can avoid it. It was easy to understand this intellectually, but harder to deal with emotionally, but my father had died while I was in my 20s and I already knew the world may only pause for someone's pain, it never stops for it.
There is no "getting over it", so what I hope for is that all of the feelings are starting to find their own places within you and becoming comfortable with each other.
Robyn, since i wrote this hub, i think i am doing okay. if you are grading on a curve, i am doing okay. i am still flat on my back with grief but now i am looking at the clouds, and the stars, as days turn into nights turn into days.
i have since gotten a second job outside my textile art that i do at home. i work at Build-A-Bear and i like it a lot. the people seem to like me when i do the heart ceremony for them. i do it with "feeling" they say.
my mother died when i was 20, my father when i was 28. i lost a 19 week old son when i was 25. i have been on intimate terms with grief often. losing my Dragon though, my lovely husband, has taken my heart from me. i will never marry again. i will always grieve for him but i am getting more used to these feelings.
thank you for reading. i wish you peace.
I am so very sorry for your loss and understand, having lost my husband to lung cancer a year ago! Today I am not open to another love, he is still my love! I can honestly say I don't know what I'll feel about that a year from now. I'm soul searching more than I ever have and learning to let God take the lead. It has returned some sense of peace. It helps when I talk to him cause I believe he is listening. I look forward to the day we are together again. It sounds like you're doing better today since you wrote this beautiful letter and it helps all of us to share our grief. I thank you for that! God bless you! You are a kind and strong lady!
Fossillady, it has been 22 months for me now and i am still married in my heart. i still wear my wedding rings and talk to my husband every day. i still love him and i think that is the way it will be for a long time. thank you for stopping by and commenting. i will keep you in my prayers.
Far worse than the fall, is the ache left from the holding on.
I also googled "how long" it has been 277 days for me and everyday I write the day in my calendar and wonder. I understand no one lives forever I just don't understand why I am still here. My hussband was only ill for 30 days and was in the hospital the entire time. we were friends and or married for 45 years...there will be no "end" why am I searching?
i am so deeply sorry for your loss. every day you wake, every day i wake, we both realize what we have lost. i hope you can also remember what you had with him. 45 years of love, companionship, and blessings. i hope the light from those memories help carry you through the darkness. i hope if you feel that you are lost in your grief, that you reach out for help. there are a number of wonderful organizations that offer free help. www.soulwidows.org is one of them. please let me hear from you. if you simply wish to communicate with another widow who understands exactly what you are feeling, please email me. i am here. you can write to me by clicking on the "contact" link up there at the right. i will keep you in my prayers.
10 years I had my soul mate. And lost him 9 1/2 years ago. He was 27, I had just turned 28. I loved him. I love him still. Cancer ripped away my dream, destroyed my plans...and left an empty hole that I'm now beginning to think will never fully heal. My husband was my best friend, my everything...but he's gone. I struggle with his loss still, yet I wrestle with all the things I wouldn't have if he was still here. I have a daughter - his daughter. She was 9 months old when he died. A gift from fertility specialist...a procedure donation to a dying man and his wife to have a part of him to live on. She's now 10 and the most amazing gift I have ever received. Yet, he's not here to be the wonderful father I know he would have been. I've remarried (almost 5 years after his death). He's a good man. Do I love him? Yes. As deeply as I loved my first? I cannot. I cannot allow myself to feel that deeply. Just loving my children to the depths that I do secretly scares me. Yes, I said children. I've been twice blessed. My son is almost 4 and he is equally amazing. Would I have either of my children if my first hadn't died? No. Yet I still very deeply grieve the loss of him. Especially when my second and I fight...boy do I miss him then. Some say I've never actively gone through the grieving process. I don't know the answer to that. I have, but maybe I've stopped somewhere in the middle. Maybe I don't want to totally let go. I am happy - most of the time. But I survive. Love and relationships have a different meaning. I have walls, I know that. But my first husband throughout his 3 1/2 year battle with cancer (we were married 9 months when he was originally diagnosed) - he taught me strength, and how to endure. So I will do just that. I will continue to thank God every day that He chose me to marry my first husband and be there for him through that battle and I will thank him for the family I have now. And I will keep on keepin' on...
My father died unexpectedly & suddenly 3 weeks ago in front of my mother. After 48 years she is alone. I would LOVE for her to talk to someone just like you. I have no "contact me" button on the top right or I would contact you. I am so worried about my mom. I really need some help in helping her. It is heart breaking.
My Best friend died at just 36 years old.....He was not only my best friend, but also my hero, my life.....We shared a passionate love of horses, riding and training everyday together, we had big dreams and plans....My entire life stopped, changed so dramatically.... I am now happily married with 3 beautiful children, I am so blessed, but I can not even think about him without having a breakdown, it is still so painful, it has been 12 years now, and the pain is still so terrible.....What did I miss??? I am happy, but when I think about it, the horses, its so painful still. I have not really gotten back into training horses, something that was an everyday part of my life for 8 years, I really do miss it, but the memories are still there so strong. My husband just doesn't understand the pain. I feel like there is something wrong with me.
Tracy,
i am sorry to learn of the loss of your best friend, hero, and the person who completed your life. you did not say how long it was before you married your husband. everyone's grief is so vastly different. since becoming widowed, i have seen grief manifest itself like snowflakes. no two are alike. you can be happy within your current life and yet, i believe, still miss what never got to happen.you called him your "best friend," your "hero," and your "life." those are strong word choices. i do not believe there is anything wrong with you. i think you are still grieving to some degree.
your comment seems to come from a place of such pain and surprise. i would like to suggest that you entertain the idea of talking with someone; clergy, a widow you may know, possibly one who has married again. or maybe a grief counselor, for just a couple of sessions, to ask questions and put into perspective all that you feel. i have come to learn that grief is a very tricky thing. it can be a thief in the night if you deny it its due.
if you wish, you may contact me through private email by clicking the contact link up at the right. i am in contact with the person immediately above your comment. i am here for you. i wish you peace.
I just lost my most precious husband 3 weeks ago. I, like a few others googled how long does it take before the pain lets up. I lost my husband of almost eleven years to lung cancer (he fought for a year) I spent every waking moment with him and wouldn't dream of ever leaving his side. When he passed (at home) he died in my arms. I climed in bed and layed beside him with my head on his shoulder and my arms around him as he (as hospice put it) completed his journey from this world to the next (heaven). I remember hospice telling me that I needed to help him let go by telling him that I would be fine and that it was ok to let go. Well, I lied! my heart did not feel that it was ok or that I was going to be fine, but I held him and carressed him and kissed him, assurring him how much I loved him and would continue to do so for the rest of my life. I realize how selfish I am because he was so uncomfortable and in pain, but I want him back!! I cant stop crying, and there isn't a place I can go that doesn't remind me of him. I go into the bacement to do laundry and just pray that he will be standing there so I can hold him one more time. I wear the pajama bottoms that he wore the day he died (washed) but I sleep with the shirt he wore that day (unwashed) I even wear his slippers that are five sizes to big. I hate being in public because people are always asking how I am and then the waterworks begin again. I have never felt a pain or numbness like this before and I just want to scream. I do have support from friends and family but I don't like to talk to them to much for fear that I will wear out my welcome (nobody wants to keep hearing the same thing over and over). I feel so alone, not just on the inside but the outside too. I pray all the time that God will ease this pain and give me stregnth to face another day, but I still feel empty. At this point I don't care if something were to happen to me. I don't feel suicidal but if something were to happen to end my life, I would just get to be with him sooner. I am only 45 and he was 51, we married later in life and 11 yrs just wasn't enough time.
I think that this is a beautiful hub. It must be difficult, but I think it is great for you to share your experience with others.
thank you.
Just read this from Erin L.'s poem: Tender Mournings. It has a link to your hub. I sympathize with you. My husband died in 2005 of cancer. It is a mourning that I revisit each October. Thank you for sharing your story. I wrote my grief hub last October called: Unresolved Grief.
i am sorry for the loss of your own husband. this is such a difficult journey with no real or true way to walk it. we just do it. endure it. thank you for reading and commenting. i wish you peace.
It is 3 months since my husband of 44 years collapsed and died in the street in Havana Cuba.I always thought that I would face his death bravely but I am falling apart at the seams.Although we were so far from home (UK)
I coped really quite well at the time but now I seem to spend all my time crying. I keep telling myself to snap out of it but I can't.He is everywhere around me in the house and garden.People are kind and everybody keeps reminding me about how lovely he was;it just makes it worse.Having read the comments on your site I realise that it's going to be a long journey (I'm 66)I also feel so guilty that I didn't have the opportunity to hold him and tell him that I was there for him.
dearest Barbara, i am so very sorry for learn of the death of your husband. so many years together. he is so much a part of your every day existence, the routines, the expectations. it is like losing your arms. falling apart is normal and natural. you will do this for however long you will do this. i wrote this hub when i was 6 months into my grief. i am now at 2 years, 2 months and 3 weeks. i updated this hub not a week ago. you can read that one: "Grief ~ How Long Does It Last Updated." you will see that there is no time table for your sorrow.
most of my hubs are about grief. i write because i have not found any book that rings true for me, or meshes with what i feel. so i write about it here for others to see that grief is not like having the measles. rest will not cure it, nor chicken soup. and most of all, you cannot ignore it.
guilt is something you will feel for a while. i hope you try to breathe through it and look at it logically. i did CPR for my husband that failed. i feel such guilt. but then i try to remind myself that when the EMT's took over, they failed, too. one EMT told me, "What people don't realize is that with heart attacks like your husband's, 95% of them we really cannot save."
you can always write to me privately here by clicking on the "contact" link in the gray box up on the right. i answer all my mail and have established a "pen pal" correspondence via email with several widows who have found my hubs.
i will keep you in my prayers, and i wish you peace.
Just four weeks ago tomorrow I lost my dear wife to a valiant but unsuccessful four year fight with cancer. Even though the loss was expected, it is so hard to reach for her and find she is not there--to want to hold her again in my arms and can't--to want to tell her just one more time, but then and again how much I love her, but it is impossible. She was my companion, my lover and my champion and now she is gone. Grief is hard work.
dear Charles, i am so very sorry for the death of your wife. such a terrible thing. four weeks is a blink and yet i remember it feeling like forever. time becomes mixed up when you grieve. i understand very much what you are feeling, what you are going through, and what is ahead. the only analogy i can think to use is treading water. you are in a trough, you are at the crest, back in the trough, sliding up to the crest.
i have many other articles on grieving here. if you think they will help, i hope you find some time to read. i am here if you wish to talk. i understand what you're going through and you and your family are in my prayers. i wish you peace.
My husband passed away 9 months ago. We would have been married 47 years in a couple of weeks. He went to take a shower and I found him lying on the bed. The medics tried but it didn't help. I am still crying for him. It seems like sometime I will never get over this. My children are raised and married so I am now alone. The emptyness in my heart hurts. Some days it is worse than others. People feel you should start to move on and it isn't that easy. I came upon this site when I typed how long does grief last. It is getting better but as you say everyting reminds me of him as just as you think it is OK something little or stupid brings it all back. I hope I will feel better with time.
ACR, i am sorry for the loss of your husband. nine months is still so very early in the grief journey. and you were married for such a long time, together as friends, companions, mates. yes, it is true that there will be days worse than others. there will be days when you wonder how you will be able to do it alone. my children are grown and i am alone like you. the days and nights can get long. but you will find your way to endure it. it does not become easier but you do become accustomed to most of the sorrow. just breathe. just put one foot in front of the other. i am here if you wish to talk. you and your family are in my prayers. i wish you peace.
I am 35 years old and just lost my husband of 7 years(knew him for 14 years) to a sudden accidental death which i witnessed with my 3 year old son. My relationship ran so deep that i know for sure i cannot survive this. My son is so lost and in trauma. Is life supposed to be live like a punishment from now on, because people think that to breathe is to live though i am dead inside.
kanmani, please accept my sincerest condolences on this loss. sudden death, and to witness it, is such a blow. you are in shock. i know i was when my husband had his heart attack. my CPR failed and i still have moments where i feel like i failed him.
your feeling like you cannot survive this is normal though i hope you have someone to talk to about this, a friend, another widow, someone, anyone. it will help to talk it out, to cry and not speak, to just have someone who understands, and i stress the word "understands," come and sit with you. your son will need help dealing with this. there are programs specifically for children. please ask about this in your area.
my relationship with my husband was very soulful. i am lost without him and still, 2 years and 3 months later, find myself struggling to find my way. my goals are modest for myself now. i live day-to-day, try to take care of myself so that my children see me trying to endure this.
you wrote that you "just lost" your husband. i am assuming this is so very recent for you. you need time to let the shock wear off. this could take months. please do not try to adhere to some random time line presented in some random book. your time line is your own. i want to restate that if you feel too overwhelmed, too depressed, find someone to talk to. be your own advocate. do not settle for someone who does not meet your needs. do not be afraid to change counselors. this is your grief. you need to find a counselor who is a partner in this with you.
i have other articles i have written on my own grief. if you decide to read them, i hope they comfort you that you are not crazy. as i said, it is still so very hard for me. i could not find anything that helped me with my grief so i started writing about my own; and then the comments started coming in. i only wish to let others who grieve see that they are not out there on the ocean of sorrow alone. do not be afraid to call out, as you have done here. we are out there, the veterans of grief. i turn to some widows who are further along than i am. i have my "grief peers," and i am a veteran compared to you. one day you will be along enough that someone may turn to you for a hand in the dark. i know you will be there with all the empathy and compassion you will be learning on this journey.
please feel free to write to me personally. i am here. i do have "pen pals." i want you to be alright. i wish you peace.
Thanks womanNshadows for your response. It just happened three weeks back and i dont see any point in life right now. I am breathing and people tell me to live and think about my son, but i dont know how he will cope with trauma or will he ever and can a grieving mother raise a happy child?
kanmani, of course i will respond. i always do to someone who grieves. not seeing any point in life is very normal. you are so early, so very new to the grief journey. and believe me, it is a journey. things sometimes seem insurmountable but you keep going. you just keep going. one foot in front of the other. take the day in small bits. morning. if you get through until lunch, nod your head and tell yourself, "i made it." then take the afternoon in broken down chunks. 1 - 3. 3 - 6. you've made it. sleep when your 3 year old sleeps. nap with him. rest. do all that you can do FOR yourself so that you are there for him. a grieving mother can raise a happy child. my children are grown so the death of our Dragon was dealt with by them as adults. but i know a great many widows who have children and, though they cry a lot {and yes, they cry in front of their children because, after all, they are human} they are raising happy children who vividly remember their father. if you wish, i can put you in touch with one of them for you to ask questions of. i know this woman would be glad to write to you. if you wish to send me a private message to continue to correspond, click the "contact womanNshadows" link up at the right. i will be more than honored to write to you, to put you in contact with this widow i am thinking of who has two sons she is now raising alone. it is what you are comfortable with. i am out here to try and lend a hand. all i want to be able to do is help a widow who is searching for answers to her questions that there really aren't any answers for. being there for your child while you are grieving is one of the most heroic things a widow(er) can do. peace to you.
I lost my Dearest Husband and Soul Mate, we were married 51 years and he was gone in 5 days from pancreatic cancer and liver cancer. He was always so healthy then all of a sudden he didn't feel well and had some test taken by the time the results came he was weak and they said he threw a clot and that he was gone I missed not seeing him go by 5 minutes. The pain is unbearable. I miss him we did everything together. I don't know how I can go on.
oh, my dearest Mary, i am so very sorry that this has happened to you. it has been so very shocking for you. i will not subject you to platitudes. nothing can ease this sorrow. time does allow you to become accustomed. but really, honestly, it will hurt. i am at 2 years 3 months and i am in pain. i miss my husband.
having said that, you can go on. did you have children? do you have grandchildren? other family? friends? you go on to show them this lesson. one last lesson. how to have faith and grace in the face of losing the only person you really ever lived for. you can show them how to grieve.
someone told me that my husband went first so that he would never know this kind of pain. remembering that helps me through the dark days and darker nights.
cry. it is normal. be sad. normal also. find someone to talk to. this will be hard because you want someone to understand you even when you have no words. keep searching.
and Mary, i am here. i am out here. it is not like face-to-face, but i understand your fears, your worries, your loneliness, and your pain. losing your beloved, like my losing my Dragon, changes who you are. write to me from the contact link if you wish. i will correspond with you if you wish. it would be my honor.
i wish you peace.
Thanks so much for responding. Being a guy I feel like I need a quiet place to reflect, to pray, sometimes to voice my anger and frustration, so I go daily to the cemetery for at least a half hour-sometimes a whole lot more. I have a young adopted daughter who gives me a reason to go on, but sometimes it is so hard. I openly talk about my wife (her adoptive mother) to help her learn to cope with this because I think if I didn't she would keep it all inside. A friend of mine accurately described it when he said he felt as if he were suffocating for months after his wife died. Sometimes it's hard coming up for air and sometimes I feel like I don't even want to, but I am so thankful for my daughter who gives me another reason to press on.
8 weeks ago I lost my husband after 45 years of constantly being together after a 4 year battle with cancer that at first he seemed to be winning. The end was very gory, an artery had burst in his chest wall because of the tumour and I was with him at home till he died and his eyes closed. When we received his terminal diagnosis I said we could face it as we had lost our son 7 years before (age 36) suddenly, but through the grief of that had gained a faith in the afterlife. He kept asking me "how are you going to manage", I assured him I would, I had always been the manager (household, money etc)how wrong I was. I cannot seem to function without him and I now realise I lived for him, he was my strength. Whenever I was in doubt he used to say "you can do it" with an unwavering belief. I try to imagine him saying it now when I feel I cannot cope without him but I don't have an unwavering belief in myself. Thanks for being there to read this all of you as writing it seems to have been a relief.
Jenne, i am so very sorry you have lost your husband. i know the horror of his passing with be with you for a long time, but as the months pass for me, i feel that this is normal. eight weeks ago is a very short time. you are have not yet become numb to his death. i was in what i call the horror part of my grief for many months, and then i became numb. in talking to others i know this is normal. we all go through this.
not feeling like you can function is normal also. i could not function for a long, long time. little things affected me, like trying to shop for groceries. my daughter had to go with me each time so that i bought what i needed. laundry stacked up. i very much understand what you are going through.
i am here. i heard your pain. you are in my prayers. i wish you peace.
I too feel your pain, and I tragically lost my partner 21 months ago, he committed suicide and it was unexpected and a complete shock and I find everyday without him a battle, but I feel I have got through the worst of it, but the grief comes in waves, and some days I'm fine and then the next something will remind me of being with him, like a song on the radio or the smell of aftershave, and i'm in pieces.... I know I will never get over losing Mark, but I am learning to cope with my life without him, and have no intention of meeting another man, I just want to be on my own, as I don't feel able to love anyone as much I loved him... it's just one day at a time, and you just cope with life, but you never forget and I don't think the grief truly leaves you...
Karen, i understand what you're saying about the waves. you think you're over the worst and then a storm hits and you're wallowing. i, too, will never "get over" my own loss. no man will do. it would be unfair of me to try to date. maybe i'll change my mind when i'm 90 but then again, i pretty much know i will always be his wife.
i wish you peace as you face your own journey. i will keep you in my thoughts.
I CAN TRULY UNDERSTAND HOW MANY ARE SUFFERING FROM GRIEF. MY WIFE PAST AWAY ALMOST 2 YEARS AGO AND CONTINUE IN A GRIEF AND DEPRESSION THAT IS SO SEVERE THAT I FEEL LIKE ENDING IT. I HAD GONE FOR HELP WITH MY SEVERE DEPRESSION AND GRIEF BUT NOTHING HAD HELP. I AM A KOREA WAR VET AND I FOUND THAT COMBAT WAS EASIER. I AM BY MYSELF AND MY NEIBORS DO NOT EVEN SAY HELLO. MY CHILDREN LIVE FAR AWAY AND THEY CAME IN FOR A FEW DAYS. I HAD NOT SEEN THEM IN OVER A YEAR. I SIT IN MY HOUSE WRITING SAD POEMS AND KEEPING A DIARY. I SEE NO FUTURE AT ALL AND JUST CRY. I REALLY FEEL FOR ALL OF YOU BUT CANNOT FEEL FOR MYSELF. IRWIN
dear Mr. Dresner, i am so very sorry for your loss, for your severe depression and grief. i do understand it. i am just now at 2 1/2 years and i still miss my husband as much at this moment as i did the day after he died. i wish your children paid more attention to you, or brought you into their lives more.
i think in writing your poems and diary, it would reveal how much you do feel for yourself. you feel sad. you feel hopeless. i do hope you can find someone to speak to about this. please do not give up. there is a future for you however somber it seems. there is a reason for us remaining spouses to be here.
maybe to show your children and grandchildren how to live with sorrow gracefully. maybe to teach them about forgiveness for their leaving you alone so long. maybe to teach them not to simply live with your grief and continued love for your wife.
i wish you peace. i wish someone for you to talk to either through your church or through the VA. please reach out to someone so that you have that human connection. we all need to see that there is a reason for our continued existence when our loves have gone on ahead. i will pray for you. if you do not believe, please take no offense. i do and talking to God helps me deal with being so alone.
if you wish, please feel free to write to me via the contact link up above and to the right. i will worry about you.
Day 21. It would seem that I have just started down the path behind you. There is so much land between us but I feel that yours may be the first writing that speaks to me specifically.
Right now, I am afraid that this grief will eat me alive. I feel like the words are all spinning inside of me. They refuse order and are difficult to put to paper. I was not looking for him and didn't need for anything when he found me. His love lifted me so high. Like you, life was not perfect but ours felt like it was no matter the circumstance. We escaped everyday to love, laughter, and family time. We were cozy everyday. His love took me to such high levels that his sudden, still unexplained death caused me to come crashing down quickly and violently. I feel like a fallen angel. The descent was so far down that I am left on the ground broken. Nothing left but the pulp of the person that I was with his love.
The other day, I felt a pain in my shoulder blades. It was like the wings were ripped off of me and the spots are still sore.
I started hubbing before my Prince left my side. Now after, the writings have changed. They went from chipper and carefree to...
There is so much conflict inside of me....
It all just seems impossible to get thru right now.
I clicked a bunch of buttons for you and believe I will follow & read more from you...
Moms-Secret, you have my utmost sympathy. i know where you are now. in certain ways, am still there. the pain does not go away, but it does become familiar. you find the way or ways to continue. you even smile again, however hollow or slight it may be. you go on because he wants you to. he wants you to come, when it is your own time, to tell him of all the things you saw and did after he left. his love has given you the strength to continue. you just have to get through these months of hazy pain to find it again. but you will find it.
i am here for you if you wish to write personally. i privately correspond with several hubbers who have found me this way. please feel free. i wish you peace.
Your right grief never ends it comes in waves. Just when you think your ok something reminds you of them. It hurts. It always will. How can you get over losing somebody you love. You won't.
I found your hub by Googling how long does grief last. Unlike everyone here, it was my baby that died. I hope it's OK for me to post here as I know there are lots of baby loss forums. No doubt you all think that my grief cannot be like yours because I didn't know my baby very long, whereas for you all it was your partner. It has been almost 8 months since my baby died at 2 weeks and I'm not feeling much less pain than in the early days. I am 42 1/2 and she was my first child so I may never have any children as I'm getting pretty old for having babies and more to the point I'm not ready to try yet and don't know if I ever will be.
Sarah, it is absolutely alright to post here about your grief over the loss of your baby. grief over a death is grief.
my first child, Quinn, died at 19 weeks. it has been almost 29 years since that death and i am still affected. i did go on to have two more children who are very much my reason for enduring the death of my husband, but know that i do still grieve for Quinn. i wonder if i will see him when it is my turn to take this journey. i wonder if he will be with my husband.
i would like to say i understand your loss since my own child died, but we are each so very different. i was in my early 20's. you are older. i had other children. you do not know if you will have more. i understand your pain in that it can compare to mine over my son, Quinn. but i would never assume to know what you are going through.
i wish to express my profound sorrow for you over this loss. i understand what you say when you feel you may never have another child. life creates scenarios where we feel we have one shot at something, and when it is taken from us, the grief seems doubly harsh. having said all this, i feel it is not enough. words really cannot convey the hand i wish to extend, or the touch on your shoulder i wish you could feel. just know that you and your words are welcome on all my hubs about grief.
and after 29 years of missing my son, and after 2 years, almost 10 months of missing my husband, i believe it is normal that grief keeps us company. i believe it sits with us and, if i may personify grief, it grieves along with us.
Thank you womanNshadows for your understanding and sympathy. I don't reallly know what else to say.
Dear womanNshadows - I found this place tonight and I feel as if I am reading my own story. Our circumstances are virtually identical...sudden death with no previous history and no chance of survival despite my desperate compressions waiting for EMS and their valiant efforts once here.
I am five months in, as of tomorrow. My heart tells me it was but maybe ten minutes ago. Thank you for this forum. I plan to visit often, and hopefully can offer more as time goes on. My heart aches so and I probably need to go cry into that pillow next to mine and cuddle with the dog, and pray for strength to get up tomorrow and do it all again.
I read something yesterday in a book review about a grieving father, that because grief comes so suddenly, we feel that it should leave the same way - but it won't, as grief will be our guest forever.
I am grateful in that it was so quick for him and he did not suffer, and we had a 21 years of the sweetest and most wonderful love imaginable - but I have a very hard time embracing that I will be without him for the rest of my natural life. I am trying to find my way - we have grown children and I am just rattling around in a huge house with the dog and the cat and trying to figure out what the heck my future is. For positive, I know I will never "recouple". In the words of our eldest son, "How would YOU like to try to be that guy??". That says so much about the man who was/is my husband. I, too, will be a widow for the rest of my life.
dear Sad Susan, i am so terribly sorry for your loss. i have snatches of memory from the early days. i know i was in shock for the first, good 10 months. writing about what i felt/feel helps me a great deal. honesty is always best as anything less is an insult to what you feel. take care of yourself. cry when you want to. yes, even in public. it will be 3 years for me in February. the pain is not less. the loneliness is just as intense. the only difference is i am so very familiar with it. i have made a friend of grief and believe it is sitting with me as i heal. i will be forever healing. i will be forever waiting to be with him. while i am waiting i am living for my children and my jobs. i still wear my wedding rings. i still speak of him as if he is "only away." you will find the new normal for you. whatever works, my dear. whatever feels comfortable. that is what you do. i am here if you wish to talk.
Thanks for responding.... our stories are so similar. I wear Gary's wedding ring on the finger next to mine. I have also designed a unique and beautiful pendant the jeweler is working on right now, that will contain a bit of his ashes. I think wearing it always will be a great comfort to me.
I too spend a great deal of time alone but am finding that I actually prefer it. I am starting to be conscious of my continued use of the word "we" - only because of others' nonverbal reactions to it...like I shouldn't? I do feel this is OUR house, and WE did thus and so - it feels wrong to say "me" and "I". I feel Gary is with me always as we move towards the day we will be together again.... and death, after all, ends the physical life but not the relationship.
We are blessed with three wonderful sons and we lean on each other. Gary came to the marriage with one and I came with two, but we blended an awesome family. Only one is nearby, about an hour away. The others are in Atlanta and NYC. I am looking forward to escaping the dark days of winter for nine days of sun & R&R in Florida at my sister's, later on this month. I think that will lift my spirits up even if only for a respite.... although we did go there together every winter and there are so many memories. I'm sure my sister will keep me busy and distracted (in a good way) and I will try to find joy in the memories as I revisit those places.
Thanks so much for being there - especially on this, the 5 month marker.
Time is a strange thing, 1 day or 20 years can feel the same. I lost the love of my life, Birgit, my wife of 18 years, when she was only 44 years.
I decided that day, that there should never be any sad talk about her or her life, I would honour her and our love by always sending love and to celebrate our beautiful memories. Self-peti is destructive and serve no purpose. I am not religious, but imagine if there is anything after life and you are just a burden? I really want to be a support for her in that case, so forwarding love, protection and beautiful memories actually gives me comfort too.
It's not only that I really feel I owe her so much for loving me, it's also, that I can do nothing else but still loving her. It's who I am, kind of pure love for her, always was and I am sure I always will be. Fortunately I also told her that many times, while she was still here. So in a way, my life is very easy and simple now.
The effect of that attitude has been, that I actually have a warm smile on, whenever I just think of her. The relative short part of her life, when she was sick, will never overshadow the beautiful way she handled life and the quality she brought into my life. It's hard to believe all her skills, inner and outer beauty should be totally destroyed just because of death?
This may be a crazy way to think, however, I just like to entertain the idea and feeling, that somehow, on whatever level, our personal 'energy' or whatever we may call it, never really die.
Birgit, lost her life in 1988, so it's over 23 years ago now, but when I think of her, she was really here just 'yesterday'. This may chock some, but should time really be allowed to destroy true love?
This topic was 'Grief — How long does it last'? First of all, grieving can be many things, it doesn't necessarily has to be negative. Secondly, time doesn't really come in to the picture the way I handle it. I have had girlfriends since, I can love again, but once we have experienced a true love, then that love never dies, it wouldn't be fair either. I think I would feel totally empty, should I ever lose that strong feeling for her.
If you grief and feel it's a burden, like crying or alike, then you may have to ask yourself who you are crying for. It may be time to celebrate the love you had together? We all die, it's just a matter of when. My wife once said, as a positive thing, that one thing she had going for her was that I would always remember her as being young. I would of course have loved to see her mature, but that was not to be.
I hope you can use this to lift your spirit by. We all need some inner peace and balance, it is so important to maintain a good quality of life. I know am alone, yes, but never feel lonely. And if I should complain, what about her? I simply stay strong for both of us and let my love flow freely. Love, support and beautiful memories, straight from my heart to hers, that has been my medicine.
I feel so privileged I was the one she gave her love to.
Dear Torpet - It seems you are in a healthy place, that reminds me of the Dr. Seuss quote: "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." This is all such new territory to me - I hope to get there too.
Dear Sad Susan — What a beautiful and wise quote, I really love that.
Torpet, i wrote this hub at barely the 6 month mark on my own personal timeline. i wrote another one with the same title, but "Updated" two years later.
i still grieve. i miss my husband. i am happy. life is moving along. i work. i eat. i sleep. i am there for my adult children. i look forward to grandchildren some day. i am still here. i live. i take photographs. i sew commission textile art for others. i am living what i have been told by others is a good life. my spirits are fine. but i still grieve for my husband. i think about him.
it does seem, however, that my life is lived in contradiction to the trend for working through grief and getting to the exuberance stage where i have "done something" with it. i have not created a movement. i have not dated and remarried. i have not "found a wonderful new life rising from the ashes of his death to become more than what i could have been had he not died." yes, someone pushed a book on this concept into my hands at barely 4 months out and told me i needed to "rejoice in his death and be the person i was meant to be," and that this is the book that helped her do just that.
i still cry at times; but mostly when i am over-wrought and/or something has gone horribly wrong, like a diabetes diagnosis. it is almost 3 years for me now. i am still occasionally told i need to "get over it." i have been told to "transcend and take off those rings. be single and be wild." i have been told i need to "get laid," "date," "stop making a mountain out of a molehill;" in other words, to move on and create a "new life for this new and wonderful" me that has risen from the ashes of my husband's death.
and yet i remember a time when widow(er)s were allowed to live alone for the rest of their lives wearing their wedding rings, talk about their spouses and quietly to their spouses.
the quality of my life is good. i honor my own life by living it well. i honor my marriage by remembering him the way that feels comfortable to me. i do not feel self-pity. i remember him with smiles and laughter. but i do have my moments, yes, still. and i honor those as well.
i had not thought this hub sounded like "complaining." i do celebrate my love for my husband. To be accused of not is judging based on limited information.
i am happy that you have found your own path and that it works so well for you. by all means share your joy with the world. i would hope, however, that you do not judge others based upon what works for you. i have found happiness, and i one thing more. i have found peace with my life and the love i shared with my own personal hero.
i realize that hubs have no dates of posting on them, but the comments do. i do not consider myself suffering from some of the things you suggested.
WomanNshadows, I am so sorry if you feel offended by my words, that was the last thing on my mind. My intention was rather to comfort you by saying: "I feel it’s all right to grief in a positive way, forever". I too, dislike when I am being told to ‘get on with my life’. I AM getting on, but of course never without still loving my wife, how can I? It’s just a different life now. It’s a bit like life without her passes by like a video, sometimes interesting and other times where I just feel I am a spectator.
Of course we will have different ways of remembering our lost partners, as a woman you are most likely much softer and have deeper understanding of inner feeling than I as a man have. As a man I also have to carry the feeling of somehow having failed in protecting her against the cancer, that took her away. She always relied on me, but this time no money or hard work was helping, so I was lost. That’s just the way we are?
A interesting side effect of sharing these thoughts with you, is a strong inspired feeling, simply writing about her. It kind of empathize she really was alive once. It almost make my day real again, at least while I am writing to you about her, do you know that feeling? I found it strange how quickly friend and family stopped talking about her in a natural way. I think many people believe it is best not to talk about her hoping I may simply forget her. My reaction to that has been to avoid most, who appear not to remember her any longer. Maybe they do remember her, but is too embarrassed to say so? I am most likely very unfair here and at fault, but it has been strange to socialize with old friend we both knew, and suddenly they act like she was never here. It’s easier simply not to see them.
I am not talking about expecting friends to specifically always talking about memories, more like a natural mention here and there of things she did etc. It’s the total silence about her, that turns me away. I can feel absolutely isolated and like being in the wrong place, even at a dinner party, where all have known her, but where she is never mentioned. I just wonder if you know that feeling too, or if I am very strange here?
Travel has been great, new people, new places and lots of beautiful walks, where one can find inner peace and kind of ‘sending love to her’. First I took a car trip with a caravan right around Australia (with a girl), next I went to USA and toured 16 states, followed by a trip to Denmark to visit family. I took up poker as a hobby, have visited Las Vegas seven times from Australia, also did most poker rooms i Europe, playing tournaments. It’s a lot easier to be with ‘poker-mates’, even though they are of course not real friends. Initially it was just nice to be active with something, where I didn’t have to think to far and everything was without commitment.
My country of birth is Denmark, where I am at present, getting to know 2 grandchildren I had never seen before, that has been a new warm experience. Life continues.
I have purchased a country house here and renovated it, so I will stay in Europe for time being. There are many ways to ‘getting on with life’? In a funny way, I feel I am getting a bit homesick for Australia, where I have lived for 40 years. But then again, I have to fight that somehow, after all she is no longer there. I am an Aussie citizen and this much cooler climate in Denmark is not that easy to handle, also miss the Aussie beer :). On the other hand Scandinavian blondes are beautiful :). Hard choice :).
Well, jokes aside, I have found that it really makes no difference where I am, I can be i Sydney, NY, Las Vegas or Copenhagen, it really makes no difference. When I go for a walk, it’s the same comfort, just to be sending her love and enjoying thinking of beautiful memories. So if I get stuck here in Denmark, it’s OK, I guess. I live in the countryside next to a large wood.
I like you are writing you have found happiness and is at peace with yourself, that is fantastic. If you can stay healthy and happy, that’s the key to a good life. I wish you well. It really make no difference what other people say or may think about the way you handle your single life. Everybody have their own way to handle life and their own problems.
That was a long story, but I wanted to reply properly to your well written reply to me, thank you.
I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. Thank you for sharing as has helped me.
After my mother died I have not heard from a soul. Well my 3 friends call once in awhile but no family members. I don't know what to think really. Any comments?
Thanks
Linnea,
I'm sorry your mother died. And that your friends haven't
been more comforting and supportive for you. Sometimes people feel they don't know what to say. Having been through my
parents' deaths, one when I was 13, the other when I was
40, I can empathize with you, at least a bit. And maybe give some advice. Which would be to consider seeing a therapist. To consider letting the pain come out; not just the pain of losing your mother, but the pain of your friends who haven't stepped up to be there for you. The right therapist can't necessary tell you how to get through your life. But you can work with her or him on getting through the next week. Unfortunately, there's no magic wand to get through the pain. I've been on a first name basis with the pain of loss for so long, it's difficult for me to write my thoughts to you without getting the keyword wet with tears. I care how you feel I really do.
Linnea, when i was 20, i quit college to live with my mother in hospital until she died. my friends did abandon me as at 20, they wanted to live and be young. when i was 25, my first born died at 19 weeks. no one called. my father said, "you can have another one." he died when i was 28. my step mother died when i was 31. and now my husband has died.
when faced with someone who is grieving i have found that most people do not know what to say. a percentage look at you as if you are contagious. i think it is a truly empathic person who knows what to say. they look at your body language. they live by the Golden Rule of do unto others. only someone who is not afraid, but truly feels, will touch your hand, speaks softly, and make you feel less alone.
a therapist is a fine idea if you can find one who doesn't look at you as a paycheck. after 2 grief groups and 1 therapist, i have not found anyone to whom i can talk. i have more of less been going it alone which is why i write. i also have a grief blog on blogspot.com and there i have forged some friendships that have lasted so far these almost 3 years that my Dragon has been gone.
my advice for you is to try and forgive and keep trying to find someone to talk to. possibly start a blog and let me know your site. i can link others to it and you will have, at least, online support from people who have been very good with words to me. i am here if you wish to correspond. i have had several grieving people do this through here and i answer every email they send with thoughts and support.
i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. i wish you peace.
I have a question I lost my daddy he was only 66 and I was a daddys girl and I cannot stop crying everyday over him I still want to call him and hear his voice because that is what I did my whole life then he died the one day I did not call that morning on the feb 20 of this year it will be the last time I actually hugged him and talked to him and we laughed and joked and then in May he died at 330pm and my life just broke .. my question is my Aunt told me who supposed to be a christian said that because I am still grieving that I am stopping my dad from being at peace in heaven and that its in the bible and if I don't stop grieving he will never rest and it will be my fault ... is this true everyone that I know has told me that they dont know where in the bible that is so I need to find out if its true please help me I dont want him to suffer because I miss him so much so please please please help me my email is johnsmom92@hotmail.com thanks asap would be great I am suffering here
Lisabrow66, i am sending you a personal email. i am not going to let you hurt like this.
Dear womanNshadows,
I see by the calendar that we are fast approaching the anniversary date of your saddest day. I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and wish you peace at this time and always.
I did take that trip to Florida, and found myself actually having a good time. It was reassuring to know that I "can" (have fun) and the sun on my skin was a welcome sensation. Of course, coming home to an empty house after so much activity was a bit of a letdown, thank goodness for my furry children.
My best to you.
I lost my husband of 20years 3 months ago when a wasp stung him and he went into anaphylactic shock, his heart had stopped beating for more than 30min before the paramedics got it going again. Although he lived for a nother week he never regained conciousness, but I had a week to say goodbye to my love, my best friend, my business partner and father of 3 awesome kids.
I want to thank Torpet - cause for the first time I feel like I have found somebody that knows what I feels like. I love looking at the photos of my husband, I can listen to our favourite songs and it always puts a smile on my face. All my memories are good and when I feel sad, I go to the photos of him I have on my phone - and I can smile again.
I had also decided that there will be no sad talk. Harry and I loved life and we lived it to the fullest, and I decided that I am going to continue living my life to the fullest, and in honour of him.
I am also sure that I will one day find somebody to share the rest of my life with as I am still young (41)and I have a lot of love to give still.
I know I am still in the early days of grieving, and I know I will get through it and it will make me stronger.
I live in a very small town and I do not have a support system here, my children are all out of the house, and as we all know friends do not stick around for long. I find that they are uncomfortable talking to me as they do not know what to say.
dear SadSusan, thank you for remembering me.
My first Valentine's Day without Gary just about did me in. I surrendered to the darkness, slept, then got up and kicked its ass yesterday. I am glad that I "bounced".... I didn't "stick". This is so much harder than I could possibly have imagined. I passed the six month anniv of my saddest day last week. I have so far to go.
Sad Susan, it's okay to surrender. it gives you time to recoup your strength. i'm glad you bounced back and yes, it is very hard. don't look too far down the road. if you have to just take it one day at a time. one afternoon at a time. small victories. you are cared about. i wish you peace.
I lost me fiancé 8 weeks ago, I'm know what I'm feeling is normal but it's also the most challenging and most painful thing I've ever experienced, I'm 38 years old and meet my soul mate just 3 years ago, his passing was very sudden and I'm still waiting for the full report and actual cause of his death, what ever it was it took his life within minutes, one minute he was fine laughing and smiling the next on our kitchen floor gasping for air. The days are getting slightly better, my two young children to a previous partner keep me going, but the nights and weekends are full of tears and a very powerful and painful yearning for him to b with us again. 5 days after his funeral I found out I was pregnant with his child, a baby we had been trying for for over 12 months, yes I'm happy that I will have his child this year, but the happiness doesn't even come close to canceling out the sadness I feel every minute of the day, thank you for your posts it does help to know I'm not alone in this journey, god bless you all
I wrote the pollowing blog in response to your post which I recently read. I wanted to share it with you.
Since I posted my last essay I read a blog about the duration of grief, written by an anguished widow. Grieving depends on many factors, she correctly observed, including age and maturity, the bereaved character, his or her physical and mental health, their religious beliefs, and their support system.
But grief also depends on who we are grieving for. The grief of a parent, for example, is not the same as that of a spouse, or a sibling or a child; the grief of being abandoned by a lover is still different.
At the age of twenty-one, I experienced the grief of losing my unborn girl after twenty weeks of pregnancy. A year later I grieved for my baby boy who was born at twenty-two weeks of my pregnancy. He weighed 800 grams and lived for thirty-six hours. Then, when I was twenty-three, after three years of marriage, my twenty-eight year old husband was suddenly killed in war. I saw him minutes before he died, burnt beyond recognition and suffocating. A month later, once again I lost our unborn child, not only grieving for him or her, but feeling overwhelmed by my own sense of guilt for depriving my in-laws of their future grandchild, the only legacy left of their fallen son.
I did not see or touch my babies, yet I grieved for them. But the grief for my husband was different: I went through the pain and torment, the loneliness, and the stages of numbness, anger and hate—yes, I hated him for leaving me—and normalization.
In 2004 I lost my only sister, who died two weeks after being diagnosed with lung cancer, and I grieved differently for her than I grieved for my fallen husband so many years earlier. Both my parents died at a relatively young age, and I couldn’t even be at my father’s funeral because the religious establishment in the country where he lived—the country from where I immigrated to the US—did not wait for me for his burial because I was not his son (who would recite the Kadish prayer at the grave side). I grieved differently for each of them.
Writing about my losses scares me intensely, for it reminds me of our vulnerability and the randomness of loss. So beyond the pain, grief has other consequences. Deep, dark, lasting fear was mine.
But there is life after grieving: In my second year of mourning I became an activist, demanding certain rights for a group of childless war widows in my country. Additionally and unintentionally I became a mentor to many young widows who sought my help.
Two and a half years into my widowhood I immigrated to the US; and four and a half years after I became a widow I remarried and rebuilt my life. Today I am a wife how has been married forty years; a mother of one daughter and mother-in-law; a grandmother of two adorable children; an educator and a writer. Yet that new life that I created for me has always been connected to and built on my past experiences of both tragedy and triumphs. And in that life I built I often think of my tremendous losses. But that is OK, for all of my experiences, the good and the bad, made me who I am.
As for my memoir WAR WIDOW, my colleagues at Queens College convinced me to be patient and not to publish it as an eBook, as said I intended to do in my last post.
Posted by Ziva Bakman-Flamhaft at 7:31 PM
dear Ziva, what an incredible story. thank you so very much for sharing it here. i am comforted that you have found love, children, and a purpose for your life. you have become a phoenix rising from the ashes. after so much loss and grief you have achieved so much. you are an inspiration.
we all grieve our own way for the people we loss along the way. a husband is a mate, a chosen partner that we had dreamed of living with for all our lives. that our lives do not last as long as we'd like is something we have no control over. sometimes our "happily ever after" only lasts a few years. i wrote this hub at 6 months out. i am not standing at 3 years. and i still quietly grieve for him.
i wish you peace.
I lost my partner two months ago I thought it was a hypo sugar 1.7 noe cpr got a heart beat but she died next day at hospitial was told she had a massive heart attack, on the day of the funeral I cried from when the undertaker bowed to the coffin all the way to the crem right till the curtains closed, every thur/fri ( the days she was ripped from me) I have bad dreams, the emotions are so differant one day Im angry and I want to smash everything other days I cant stop crying some days I have laughed with my good friend, im so confused, I sometimes walk in a daze, or I walk around talking to her, her daughter said I might find another partner, , I think to my self who wants me, people shy away, except for my friened and his wife, and im frightened to tell him and her how I think and feel in case I push him and her away, people say sorry I know how you feel, but how can they even if they have lost someone, because everyone reacts differantly to this dreadfull situation, I wish I could join her I really do
i'm sorry you lost your partner. it is a terrible thing and yes, grief is unique to each person. anger is normal. being in a daze is normal also. even thinking about joining her is something that crosses everyone's mind after the death of their loved ones. but i hope you continue your search for peace. i hope you do not do something that ends your life. if you continue thinking this way, i encourage you to find someone to talk to. all that you are feeling goes with the territory of grief. doing something to yourself needs to be addressed.
beyond that, i hope that you wake each day and allow yourself to cry if you need to, laugh when you can, and just breathe in and out slowly. just breathe. allow each day to pass. allow each night to pass as well. nothing i can say will ease the pain you feel but know that out there in the world, there are others in pain as well in their own way. i hope you do not feel so alone.
i wish you peace.
thankyou for your words, I wont do anything to myself Carole would not me to do that, I came hear wondering if others felt the same or simular, I will try to take one day at a time, I cry as other I see have done and do, in that I dont feel quite as alone as I did Im sorry if I seem selfish with my grief thankyou, and everyone else
I lost my beautiful husband of 23 1/2 years 33 days ago and my heart is broken. I feel like I have died also, yet am still alive. My life as I knew it is gone is that quick moment he took his last breath. He had been sick for 7 years and I took care of him at home. He was in and out of the hospital and I used to fight the doctors, nurses and anyone else for his health. I knew him inside and out and no one could tell me different. They almost killed him many many times. This time was different, which I didn't know at the time. He was in the hospital and called me on February 26th at 12:00am and I couldn't wake up. He told me he was in pain and I couldn't wake up and said to him "baby tell the nurse, I'm so tired" and I hung the phone up. I live with this guilt and it is ripping me apart. I went to the hospital at 7:30am and he told me that he was finished and wanted to go home to the Lord. In shock and doing what I always do, I went to the nurse and told her and she came in and talked with Webb and I started calling all of his children, sisters and friends. They all came to the hospital including my family. (we had no children together) He waited for everyone to get there and when every one was there he said, "lets get this show on the road, see you on the other side". They started giving him pain medicine and then removed the bypap and it took 1 hour and 57 min. and he was gone.
I don't remember what we talked about and if I did talk to him. It is devastating to not remember anything much about that day except that I helped him do what he wanted. He was scheduled to have a leg amputated the next day. His body had had enough and was shuting down on him and he knew it. I truly believe that the Lord sent his angels to talk with Webb that night before. That is why I believe I could not wake up. I ALWAYS was there for him, so that is what I have to believe to get through. I don't know why I am still here. I don't have children and his family is not supportive to me so I am all alone with my dog. I don't have children like you to help me through this. I have these violent sounds that erupt from within me and I cannot control them. This is the living hell on earth. Can anyone tell me WHY WHY WHY I am still here because I don't get it. I have always been a believer, yet I don't understand what good I can be to God by myself. It's just not right. I loved my husband within every inch of my being and now he is gone and I am living hell. Family and friends tire very quickly as I am finding out. I read about it and I thought, that won't be my family. Well... they are no different than others. I don't blame them, I wouldn't want to be around me either. i just don't know what to do with this "lifeless life" I am supposed to live. I start a grief group this week and am hoping to connect with some people who won't tire of me so quickly and that maybe I can help as well. I thank you for listening to me and for this post. I have read every one of them and wish you all the best that life can give you. Hugs to all...
first let me say that i am so very sorry your husband has died. when my husband died i had so many of the same feeling as you. why him and not me? how can i go on? i was so very scared. well, three years later, i am still scared a lot. i still ask why him but i know it wasn't me, it wasn't my turn to die. there is something else for me to do here. or experience. or learn. how can i go on? one foot in front of the other.
yes, i do have my children but even in that, it is not every day. i do not live with either of them. and i have to be alone most of the time. i have to be the mom and not let them know how bad i feel sometimes.
i am glad you have a dog. it is my belief that dogs are great for anyone who grieves. they are so in tune to your moods and will stay with you when others, humans, will leave you to go back to their lives.
i hope the grief group has people in it that you can connect to. i hope you find your way. i am out here, always out here. you can contact me through the link up at the top right. i always answer. i always listen. i wish you peace.
dear genielm,
I have a very good friend and with his wife they have helped me, Caroles family have slowly stopped talking to me, so I have an idea how you feel, I dont know exactly how you feel no one does but I do understand, if you want to talk to me first email capn_normski@yahoo.co.uk maybe with talks etc we can help each other.
these page as you can read my little bits did help me, my partners birthday was april 13th, the evening before i went shopping nearly finished when I was over whelmed with emotion and I cried, a young lady asked if I was alright, I explained why I was crying and it did help, some days daytime I can cope the evenings and first thing in the morning are the wrorse, I no doubt in my mind I will never forget, but to talk to someone does help, and I think the more you talk to someone the pain could become easier, that is why im writing this to you for your benifit and mine if you don`t want to that is your choice just leave a note here, and I hope you find a friend like I have, but belive me I would dearly love to have more people to help me as you can be a very lonely person in a crowded room as fortunatly for them they have not suffered as we all here have Norman
Hi, I wasn't married but I have 4 children . 2 from a man that was murdered in 2006,1 from a man, my boyfriend that died from renal failure in 2010 and one from a man that died of a heart attack in 2011. What can I say? I have terrible luck and I am now dealing with my children living with my mother because of the depression that I experienced since the passing of my most recent boyfriend.It is regular and just sits there. I do not like to share this with anyone because people say the stupidest things. I have been called a black widow and other ridiculous names.I hate people and realize that most people are clueless and have not a single clue about understanding or empathy. I am usually happy and a people person but I have changed into a clammed up person and I have given up on people.I hope that this grief will one day go away so that I can move on with my life and be a better mother to my kids. I hate grief and I hate my life and I wish it would go back and be the way it was like before.Good luck to all the other people that are mourning and missing loved ones I know your pain.
i am sorry for all your pain. you have experienced a great deal of loss, more than most people will ever have. it is difficult but you must ignore people. try not to hate them, just ignore them. as i said it is hard. people are cruel, and some, when you look into their eyes, they intend to be cruel. you have to stay away from them. you are blessed to have your mother to help you. i hope you can lean on her emotionally, too, that she gives you a source of comfort. i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. i wish you peace.
peace to all who read. peace and light to all who grieve.
I lost my husband of 29 years to lung cancer 8 weeks ago after a nine month fight as was all found too late and spread to the bones he had just turned 57 which i think is too young to have gone i am 55 . i have 2 daughters they have been great but they have there own lives. i have been to groups but they are all a lot older than me i feel so angry that I have been left like this and hate being on my own
dear lizbeds, i am very sorry for your loss. i understand the anger you feel. i understand that you are now alone with no one to care for after having taken care of your daughters, and then your husband while he was sick. i know there are grief groups out there for younger widows but it does take a bit of searching. i have yet to find a grief group i can connect to so i have been dealing with it alone.
my husband was 56 when he died. i had just turned 51. to know that however long i have in my own life, that i will be without him, has been a difficult adjustment. it is one that you will work on and deal with daily. i wish you peace on this different life. i wish for you support from others and comfort from your daughters. know that the anger is normal. i hope you find someone/a group to talk to. i am out here if you wish to send a private message through the contact link up to your right.
my husband was 60 I am 58. I do not feel old. the deeper the love the deeper the pain. believe me I know how you feel.
lost my richard be four years july 8_12. It seems like yesterday,my heart hurts so badly. I honestky dont no how to move on. I miss him so much, ive tryed but no ither understands or treat me as he did. It hurts so bad cause im only 42 and all foyr of our kids are grown. All I do is cry!!!
dear no name please, i believe that as well. the deeper the love, the deeper the pain. i am sorry for your loss.
Carla, i also understand still crying after 4 years. i am at 3 years, 3 months, and i still cry, too. they were our mates, our friends, our husbands, and we love them so much. death does not end a relationship, it only removes a person from this world and the survivor is left to find some kind of new balance within themselves. it can take years.
i wish you both peace.
thank you for you comment noname I agree it is 10 weeks ago michael died and I am findingit getting harder I run a small gift shop and i had told michael that i would move house as lived there for many years which I am in the process of doing and hope to move in a couple of weeks but all the sorting out is a nightmare things that a couple do i am doing my elder daughter is great with her partner but they have two small children my other daughter has not helped at all lives with her boyfriend. she was brilliant when michael was ill coming to the hospita to help out she fell out with him a few years back and I think she felt guilty since he has died she hardly rings and last night we had a massive row and she told me how horrible I was and how I blame her which i dont she is training to be a vet nurse and does long hours which I appreciate this was by phone she has always been very hard on me but she never makes any time for me at all trying to sort out tax codes from the inland revenue it is a nighmare this time last year we were getting ready to go with my elder daughter and two grandaughters to majorca for a holiday had no idea a year on all of this
hi, i lost my husband 4years ago he was my best friend and my soul mate. My little boy was only 13months old and will never no his daddy even though we talk about him and my little girl who was daddy little girl miss him more that words can say
Thirty one years. Thirty one years,5 months ,24 days. That is what it has been since Joe died and I have never gotten over it. When he passed the spark went out of my life,life became boring and just something i have to plod thru. Thye excitement was gone, nothing to look forward to.I married and after 10 years together became a widow and now I remain alone. I remember more about Joe than I do anyone else,can remember situations from 1956 when I ws 10 years old. This man was the love of my life. The Love. My life. No one can come close to him,they pale in comparison. There is no comparison at all. When he died a huge part of me died also. He is the only deceased person that I truly miss and I will never stop. he comes to me in my dreams aqnd I wake up smelling him and feeling his arms around me and his kiss on my lips.And all I want to do is to cover my face with my hands and cry and cry and cry. I miss him so much and it does not get any better. Thirty one years,5 months,24 days. He died on my birthday.I turned 36 and he died in a car accident.All the days seem to blend together now-one is no diffeent than the rest. There seems to be no relief in sight. But I know he hears me when i talk to him, out loud or in my thoughts.
I found this place when searching for some help now after nearly 16 months of misery I give in and admit, I need help! I have spent hours searching the net but have no idea of how to find it. These many stories describe much of my feelings too....shattered, hollow, hopeless... PAIN from loss of my husband of 31 1/2 yrs (in love for 36yrs)...my lover, companion, comforter, biggest fan, funny man, best friend, my yes man or as he would say my "slave". Every bit of my life since I was 18 has been us....shared all memories/history since I was 18 years old. He died. My throat squeezes shut to write it. The absolute agony tightens tightens around me but from the inside starting in the throat then working simultaneously up my head wile sinking down to my gut all at the same time. I have felt from early on I need to talk with someone who has been through a similar experience. I'm not looking for just a therapist with clinical experience with letters after their name. No, only someone who has lived it. I'm so lost. If anyone has some advice or ideas on how to find help please share it. Ps. Hope with all my heart we are rejoined in the end but I am not religious so appreciate keeping it secular. THANK YOU
Hi myrpp
I know how you feel i now lost my husband only 11 weeks ago from lung cancer aged 57 we had been married 29years but knew each other since I was 18 and he was 20 He was my friend lover and he would say slave as he did a lot of things for me father of my two lovely daughters and grandfather to out little grandaughters who will never know him . when he was ill the phone was always ringing asking how he was now all my friends who still have there husbands do not ring so much my elder daughter has been brilliant and I have a friend who has never married and she is brilliant.
i was hoping in a years time i might start to feel better as some days are not too bad but sometimes I will be driving and suddenly tears are just comming down my face i miss him so much we travelled the world and had many more places to see until you are in this position nobody knows what this like facing everything on your own
Dear myrpp,
My heart goes out to you... I know the place where your heart lives right now. My husband died very suddenly at age 52 of an undiagnosed heart ailment nine months ago and I am still struggling terribly.
Please find a local hospice and ask them about a support group - I did this and it was so, so helpful. This one had a special grief group that was specifically for loss of spouse and it was so comforting to be with them and share our feelings. About 10 of us have remained close and gather for lunch about every month to six weeks. We totally "get" each other, and that mutual understanding has been such a wonderful support. In our group, some had strong faith, some had none, and everything in between with no judgements about that aspect.
If there is not a hospice in your community, try contacting local funeral directors as they often have access to these resources. I do stress though, that if possible, find a group that is for spouse loss only. It really changes the dynamic.
Good luck to you and I wish you peace as you work toward healing.
i wish you all peace.
dear mrypp, look up The Grief Project. www.griefproject.org. see if that holds any interest for you. the woman who runs it is very kind.
That was a very toching story. i have suffered alot of loss in my life and i feel i will never get over a certain loss but it is comforting to know im not alone with thse feelings.
The question that I've been asking is "Why".Why my husband, why now, why our family. My husband passed away 2 months ago, at 36 to a sudden heart attack.We were unable to say our goodbyes and he has left a massive hole in our hearts..This is our first lost.We have 2 boys together(17 & 9) and they are missing him dearly.We have been together since we were 17 so my life has been blessed since we met.
Tears are rolling down my face even while I'm writting this because I know that no one can ever replace my Frank.He was
everything to me, my soul mate, my best friend, the love of my life and my rock.He had such a beautiful kind nature and he never made me feel alone or unloved.When it came to the boys he was the best father in their eyes, he was always there for them.Family always came first for Frank no matter what. He was always able to make a connection with everyone that he had contact with to a point where we had just over 500 people turning up for his funeral, which was overwhelming.
How am I going to mend my heart? I feel so alone even though I have a great friends/family support network
around me.I miss him so much and my days are unbearable at times.I do find a lot of strength in my boys and I know that I have to soldier on but I have days where I just don't know how to cope.
I understand that loss my wife jeanna died in car accident on her way to work a little over a year ago I still cry I'm left alone with my twelve yr old son. Every day I hide my broken heart. My spirit is broken as well. I can find no joy or peace .I too will be single the rest of my life. We were happilly married for fifteen years. Life isn't the same and peoples words don't help. I'm 49 yrs old and struggle to get through each day. The only thing that keeps me going is my son needs me.his young heart must hurt worded than mine.so I go on because of him. A month after my wife crossed over I was stressing so bad I had a headache for four days. I went to the et . They found three anuyersms in my brain and I had brain surgery. I was hoping I would die to be with my wife. God spoke to me on my way into surgery .he asked me if I wanted to come home and be with my wife. I saw my wife trying to look around this super bright light hollering at me saying where are the kids where are the kids. I have a step daughter as well. I told god I wasn't ready to come home yet. I didn't want my wife to be upset with me for leaving the kids alone after she was only gone for a month. The operation went great .woke up with no problems as good as new.. so I know I have a purpose in life to do.. I'm not sure what that is.. its just hard to funtion in any thing without my dear wife.. anyways I don't think I will ever get beyond this grief.. thanks for reading
I understand that loss my wife jeanna died in car accident on her way to work a little over a year ago I still cry I'm left alone with my twelve yr old son. Every day I hide my broken heart. My spirit is broken as well. I can find no joy or peace .I too will be single the rest of my life. We were happilly married for fifteen years. Life isn't the same and peoples words don't help. I'm 49 yrs old and struggle to get through each day. The only thing that keeps me going is my son needs me.his young heart must hurt worded than mine.so I go on because of him. A month after my wife crossed over I was stressing so bad I had a headache for four days. I went to the et . They found three anuyersms in my brain and I had brain surgery. I was hoping I would die to be with my wife. God spoke to me on my way into surgery .he asked me if I wanted to come home and be with my wife. I saw my wife trying to look around this super bright light hollering at me saying where are the kids where are the kids. I have a step daughter as well. I told god I wasn't ready to come home yet. I didn't want my wife to be upset with me for leaving the kids alone after she was only gone for a month. The operation went great .woke up with no problems as good as new.. so I know I have a purpose in life to do.. I'm not sure what that is.. its just hard to funtion in any thing without my dear wife.. anyways I don't think I will ever get beyond this grief.. thanks for reading
Pachuca213 2 years ago
I am so sorry. I understand how much it hurts. I really do. And the grieving NEVER ends....Its all a matter of time when it becomes more "bearable" than it once did. But the pain never goes. A song, a smell, a memory, a place, a piece of clothing, a special day, maybe even just a sunset...something will always trigger a memory that sets off the waterworks again. You will always love him more than life itself. And you will still wake up every day to see the world kept going despite our broken hearts. But know this....He will never leave your heart. but you will still go on...Like I did. After my fiance died, I married someone later on and had more kids and kept going. My life isn't the same without him...but he would have wanted me to keep going. He taught me life, love and most importantly happiness. He helped me be a better person and that will continue forever....just like it will help you too.((HUGS)) -JJ